The Definitive ACE-GAROTE H.A.G.

ah there
this sucked

who's the cpu

ah. That's better. (local echo).
Welyl,e ahy moue toooooooooooooo
You said you had some cool idea for a HAG a while ago.......
i have 2 right now
but thereOkay tyh
\they're both uh. one-scene ideas. each could last about 5 minutes.
Oh. Well... Put some useless rooms around them, then. :)
uh it's not the setting its the concpeoteptpsdfsdf

huh. Well, think about it for a sec while I go grab a coke...:)

USELESS HAG v0.0 © ACE productions ltd, 062094

(initalizing variables)
(accessing browian motion vector plotter) SCWING!
oops, left out the "h"
(still accessing)

I have a window of "Teachtext" open under my Zterm window, for an inventory! :)




A Prompt appears.
You see black.

]open eyes

you see a vague white blur.

]focus eyes

Good. You see a distinct white blur.


Your current state of imsomnia, hunger, weakness, and insanity prevents you from taking inventory.

]sleep, eat, work out, and see a shrink. INventory.

You close your eyes and try to go back to sleep. After a long time a faint sound of some sort makes itself audible to your ears.

]listen to sound

it is too faint to make out clearly.

]open ears

The sound might possibly be music of some sort. In your current state it is difficult to be sure. The blackness continues.

]open eyes.

The distint white blur returns.

]feel around

Your limbs are sluggish and do not respond well to your commands.

]wonder why blur is "distint" and not "distant"

Why do cats meow?

]Why do dogs go "wan-wan" in Japan, and only "roof!" here?

Probably something to do with the phonetic differences in the two languages.
The faint sound clarifies into a distant booming.

]look up.

As well as you can judge from your current surroundings, you are already looking up.

]look down.

You attempt to turn your head to the right. This causes a faint ting.
This causes a faint tingling to begin in your neck.
eventually you face right. there are many, many colors. trippy.



]stab out with tongue

the air is cold upon your moist tounge. the booming seems even clearer as your senses slowly return. the colors in front of you begin to resolve... you are in your room.

]how did I get in my ROOM!?

logic would seem to dictate that you fell asleep in it last night.

]wha the hell was that booming noise?!

as your senses return fully, you hear your little sisters rap music playing.

]Oh. Get out of bed. Look self.

you sit up in bed. the world spins. you turn your body in a direction that should enable you to put your feet on the floor and get out of bed.
wrong direction.
you try again. your feet touch the floor of your room. you stand and wobble a lot. you look down at yourself.

you are wearing:


You be in the ownership of:

]look picture

it is a picture of a young woman you only distantly remember.

]eat picture. look receipt

the picture enters your mouth easily. you chew on it for a while, and swallow it. it tasted of paper and nail polish remover. you are still hungry.
the receipt is for $14.79 spent at a local diner some 12 days ago.

]eat receipt. Look room.

the receipt goes the way the picture did.
you are still hungry.
you glance about your room. it is filthy. there are piles of unidentifiable objects scattered everywhere. the bed is in one corner, on the same wall is the door leading out, against the opposite wall is a desk with a computer and several other pieces of equipment. a closet door stands open here, with the entire contents of your wardrobe spilling out from it. two bookcases hold some novels and other things not worth mentioning. there are some posters and things stuck up on the walls. a dim feeble light is spilling yellowy through the close curtains behind the computer.

]look for shoes.

that could take a while. you stumble about, stubbing your bare toes on sharp metal objects. eventually, i guess you find a pair of mangled flip flops underneath the bed.

]wear flip flops.

the strap on the left flip flop breaks. the right flip flop fits comfortably onto your foot.

]open door.

it is locked from the outside.

]look computer

an ancient, dust-covered relic sits on the desk. it might still be functional. (Jeez, this sounds like something out of Plantefall)

]open curtains

blinding light fills the room. you can now see every dust particle in here.
you feel light-headed.

]open window

the window is stuck shut with grime and the carcasses of dead flies from before time began.

]break window!

with your bare hands?

]get shirt from laundry pile

you find a molding striped barney shirt with a butterfly collar.

]wrap shirt around left hand

done. your left hand is now swathed in the icky material.

]break winder with left hand

you punch the window several times with your left hand. It is rather tough, as there are wooden sections reenforcing the glass. Perhaps if you found a heavy object to throw at the window it would break.

]pick up computer monitor.

the monitor feels heavy in your arms.

]throw monitor through window

you toss the ancient monitor towards the window. it sails right through with a crash. bits of broken glass fly about. the way outside is now open.

]crawl through window

you carefully crawl outside.

There is an ancient computer monitor here, smashed. there are bits of glass and wood here. To the left is the street, to the right your path wraps around the house to the right.

]go down path

which way?

]around the house

You follow the path the the right, along a fence separating your property from the neighbors. In the neighbors front yard an old man with no shirt on is dancing to a Russian folk song. You reach the corner of the house. The electric meter is here.

]smash electric meter with left hand

the electric meter resists your efforts to smash it.

]continue around side of house.

the path opens onto a fairy wonderland! tiny magic fairies flitter here and there. large, smiling trees are all around. the grass chirps happily.

]catch a fairy in hand.

the fairies move to swiftly to be caughf(r)G?=bnt =|b
to be caught by mere mortal hands.

across the clearing, you see a small stone pedestal with a fairy-catching net on top of it.

]walk up to talking tree.

you approach the nearest tree. it beams down on you with all the happiness in the world.

]punch tree in nose with left hand.,

as your hand connects with the tree's smiling face, your l.s.d. flashback stops. the pedestal becomes a wheelbarrow and you are in back of your house again.
there are two cats here, flitting here and there.

]kick cats.


?......... .. .. .. .. . .

mm, this is lame.

Why the "AAARGH!"
lameness settting in

Got anything to eat over there?
im eating icky quesidillas
Close enough.

GaroteHAG v0.00103920010491851365128641375125916518640842148510-beta

Please wait while structuring...
Building room code... (compiling self-compiler)
launching G'roteOS

>>hello and welcome. you have one mail message.<<

Message from Garote:
PErhaps you need some more time to recover from the Japan experience? Your creativity has been sapped by all that harsh living? Or do those quesedillas REALLY suck? I'll bet that's it. Anyway, on with it...

>>entering matrix<<

Non-infocom interpreter v1*10^-3000

You wake up. You are lying in your bed. You hear a booming noise, and the air seems a lot fresher than it usually is in your room. It is dark, with slight red afterimages everywhere.

]ignore booming noise. breathe deeply. find inner calmness. open eyes.

You try to ignore the booming noise, but find it impossible. The booming noise is just too boomy. It seems to be coming from a decidedly eastward direction.

You breathe deeply. You have been breathing deeply ever since you fell asleep. What does this accomplish? You feel slightly lightheaded.

You look for inner calmness. There doesn't seem to be any in the area.

You open your eyes. (ah-hah!)
You see a big cottony mass of pillow right up against your nose.

]consult internal memory, reference: things to do today

You execute a recall process, and it begins to drudge below the layer of sleep-cleanliness that has covered your waking state. After awhile it returns to report back, with a few things in it's collection buffer. NAmely:

  1. Can't find a damned thing that I remember needs doing
  2. Can't find the toothpaste
  3. Can't recall if I was coming or going.
This does NOT help. You kill the process and return to your clean-slate waking state.

]depart bed. examine self and surroundings.

You would depart the bed, but the covers and the pillow prevent you from moving too efficiently. You attempt to examine yourself and see that your nose is unclogged and in working order. You examine your surroundings and see a white cottony mass. You hear a watery booming noise. The air is crisp and breezy. That is all.

]roll over.

You clench your stomach muscles and manage to yank your upper body over. You see another white mass. You don't remember having such a large pillow.

]use upper extremities to push second white mass away.

After much struggling, you manage to free your arms. You push at the cottony white and discover it is wedged under your head. You lift your head and push, and the cottony mass slides slowly away from you and suddenly drops out of sight with a thumping noise. You can now see beyond the mass.

]sit up in bed. look about.

After another fight with the covers, you manage to sit up. Looking about, you see:
A beach! Black, crumbly sand rolls away to the north, south, and west. The waves boom slowly up onto the shore and pull back again, putting a tangy salt smell in the air. Your bed seems to have been placed just barely above the high-tide line.

]exit bed.

You step out of the bed, stretching and yawning from habit. The bed suddenly is gone, leaving four large divots in the black sand.

]examine self.

You seem to be the same you remember yourself as. :)

]examine garments.

You seem to have gone to bed wearing your grey jumpsuit. It is zipped up and ready for action. That is all, externally, that you can see.

]unzip jumpsuit, slowly.

You slowly unzip the jumsuit, and the sea breeze feels VERY cold. Your jumpsuit is now unzipped. A jar spills out onto the sand before you, from one of the jumpsuit's inner pockets.

]get jar, examine it.

You bend down and grab the jar. In doing so, a pull-cord talking zog doll tumbles from your open jumpsuit.
The jar is small, mettalic, and has a clamp-on lid. There seems to be tarnished writing on it.

]get zog doll and pull cord, twice hard.

You read down and pick up the doll, and half a doughnut falls from your jumpsuit to lay almost exactly where the doll and the jar were.
You yank the cord. The zog-doll speaks. "I'm bored! I'm sweaty! I'm tired! I need a job! I need a-*" you yank the cord again- "All right, sorry!! So I'll come visit you!" the doll stops speaking.

]bend over, shake torso about a bit. gather up objects.

You bend over and shake your torso. One by one, three blind mice plop out onto the sand and burrow about, squeaking in a confused manner.
You pick up the half-doughnut. The three blind mice almost get away under the sand, but you manage to grab all three.

]put mice, jar, and zog doll back in jumpsuit. zip suit so that zog doll's head is outside suit. sniff doughnut.

You deposit your "belongings" in the jumpsuit, and zip it almost all the way to the top. THe sea breeze is no longer making you shiver. The zog-doll's head pokes out just below your chin. Unprovoked, he pipes up:
"Hey! Comfy seats up here!"

You breathe deeply of the donut aura. You stagger and your vision blurs. (Nethack lovers rejoice)

]stuff doughnut inside jumpsuit for safekeeping. wash feet in surf.

You stuff the doughnut down the small hole at the top of your jumpsuit. Zog is nonplussed.

You would wash your feet in the surf, but to do so you would have to remove your jumpsuit. This is one of those all-covering suits, really nice one, too. Everyone should have one of these. Two or three, even.
Without warning, a screwdriver falls from the sky and lands next to you with a loud thump.

]pick up screwdriver, examine.

You grab the screwdriver. Zog almost falls from his perch. You examine the screwdriver and discover it is a phillips, from Craftsman. If you broke it, you could replace it for free. Nice offer, that.

]wander north along surfline.

You amble up the beach. The waves continue their monotonous booming. The dunes pass by. The doughnut seems to have adversely Affected you, for you stumble a lot more than usual. Eventually you stop at an area with a fresh fire-pit and a few papers scattered about. Out in the waves you see a figure on a surfboard.

]pull zog cord very gently.

You rearrange your jumpsuit and manage to get the cord to stick out along with the head of the doll. You grasp the cheap plastic ring and gently pull it. Zog whispers into your chin: "If it's a rim cylinder, remove the lock casing from the door and tighten the two retaining screws....."

]try to discern who figure on surfboard is.

You squint and put your hand over your forehead, for no particular reason, since it is an overcast day. You cannot make out any details, but the figure appears to be wearing a wetsuit. As you watch, the figure catches a very large swell in anticipation of surfing on it.

]sit down by fire-pit and read any papers nearby. wait for figure.

You plop down next to the mound of cinders and look at the nearest scrap of paper. It appears to be an advertisement for a band playing at a place called "Slim-Jim"s in San Fransisco.

... time passes ...
The figure is still out there, surfing. You feel very woozy from the doughnut smell.

]stuff zog back into jumpsuit & zip up. wade into surf.

You push the zog-doll's little head down inside your suit. You zip your jumpsuit completely.

You stand up and walk towards the water. Slosh, slosh. The pressure flattens your jumpsuit against your legs, and it feels mildly cold from inside the suit. Soon you are up to your waist, being buffeted by incoming swells.
The air is absolutely rank with seaweed stink.

]continue making way towards figure, swimming if needed. keep screwdriver in right hand.

You continue wading, and soon your feet leave the squishy silt below and you are dog-paddling. The figure slowly moves closer. You do not have your screwdriver out because it is inside your jumpsuit along with zog. Must have snuck in there while you were walking. Anyhow, you are now in the ocean, about 30 feet offshore.

]figure distance to surfing figure.

This is hard, as the figure and you are bobbing up and down. You estimate the figure to be about 70 feet away, and moving closer.

]swim towards figure.

You continue your swim. Nice day for one. The cold ocean water through your jumpsuit keeps you from gettinf hot OR cold. But you do start to sweat a bit, anyway. The inner linings of the jumpsuit absorb the water and filter it toawrds a catchtube near your neck.

... Time passes ...

The figure moves closer, within 20 feet, seemingly all at once.
It is Robie.
He grins from ear to ear, from astride his surfboard, and waves one powerful, ink-stained hand at you. "Hiya!" he cheerfully says.

]greet Robie. approach with extreme caution.

You grin non-committingly (is that a real term!?) and slowly paddle towards Robie. He continues grinning, and turns his board sideways to keep from bashing you in the head. As you close the last five feet, you suddenly notice the strong fumes of press-ink and developing fluids wafting from Robie.

]hold on to edge of surf board and tell Robie he should never turn his board sideways, because it could get overturned by a wave.

You reach out and graasp the board. "Careful there," he warns, "I just waxed it."
You tell Robie your bit of wisdom. "Yeah, well that's what you're here for." He grins even wider. "Besides, I'm not facing into any waves right now." "So, how did you get here?" Robie raises his eyebrows and looks down at your swimming body. "Nice jumpsuit" he adds.

]relate adventure so far to Robie. Ask if he'd fix the roll sheet.

He listens attentively to your tale, nodding in most of the wrong places. "Yeah, that's about how I get here, too. Wake up in the morning and I'm at the beach."
Robie laughs.

He hears your request and, in an instant, flips open a hidden panel at the crotch of his surfboard. A clipboard is nestled in it, along with a pen on a fuzzy string. He fiddles with the two for awhile, and shuts the compartment on them.
"No problem." He grins again. You notice a large rope floating in the water about ten feet away. Robie does not.

]ask Robie if he'd take us in to the shore on the board.

Robie considers this for a moment, the breeze playing idly with his oddly dry, wispy hair. He shakes his head and makes a cheerful kind of frown. "No, I can't do that. But I CAN do THIS!" His face contorts in ludicrous humor as he reaches out and grabs the thick, floating rope. He pulls up the slack for awhile until the rope is taut, disappearing under the water just below his board. He strains, and his board sinks down into the water slightly. His printing-press hardened arms manage to haul the rope slowly upwards...
Suddenly there is a quiet, vibrating BRUMPH under the water, and a distant rushing noise.

Robie tosses the limp rope back into the brine, where it floats.
"That should do it." he announces.

]comment on Robie's great physical condition.

Robie takes the praise in stride. "Awww, it was nothing." he says. "Spend a long time on the presses and a lot of time working on yoga forms, and you'll be the same!"
Strangely, your brain tells you that you are slowly moving downwards, although you appear to be still- at least, as still as one can BE in a sloshing ocean.

]Tell Robie about magic Zog doll.

Robie appears unsurprised about the existence of such a doll.
He comments: "You know, when that Zach guy was in my class I thought," he puts his hands on his neon-swimsuit-clad hips, "now THAT'S personality! It's not surprising at all that some money-hungry company bought his image." You hear a bit of brimstone in his voice.
Without warning, a large mass of bubbles surfaces in your vicinity, tickling your jumpsuit and causing the water to spray about. You still feel as it you are moving downward, too. Robie ignores all this.

]get to position on board where unzipping jumpsuit is possible without drenching innards.

You are only holding onto the board, not sitting on it. You get the feeling that if you asked Robie, he wouldn't allow you to sit on it anyway. Too close to the roll sheet or something? Just been waxed? WHo knows. He looks up at the sky and rubs his hands together, appearing to relish the weather.
You suddenly notice that there is a LOT of that thick, wet rope floating around on the surface in your vicinity. You still feel as if you are moving down. Odd.

]tell Robie I'll catch him later. Push away from board and sink into water.

He hears your goodbye and grins. "Sure. Come into me classroom any time, we'll play the bongos together!" He appears worried. "It's too bad that so few of my students like those bongos..."
You push away from the board and immediately feel a hard surface beneath you. All the water around you suddenly rushes in one direction, and you are left on your hands and knees, looking down at a white, rubber surface. A length of the thick, wet rope comes to rest at the edge of your vision. You hear a roaring sound, and the sensation of moving downwards stops.

]test 'rubber' surface with finger.

You poke at the rubber surface and find it quite hard and bouncy, like the side of an immense chunk of sneaker-sole. You hear Robie's voice from somewhere in front of you, over a mild sea-breeze. "Pretty trippy, eh?"

]stand up. unzip jumpsuit and restore zog to position.

You stand up, wobbling a bit. Upon looking around you realize that something very, very odd has transpired. Robie is a few feet away from you, standing, his surfboard under one arm. He is examining it closely, probably looking for imperfections or scratches, of which there are obviously none. You cast your gaze about and see that the rubber surface curves slightly around, to your left and right. Behind Robie, at the top of the incline, you notice a rubber protrusion shaped like a ring. The thick rope is wound around it and knotted in many places, then snaking in various directions, past Robie, past you, and off over the edge of the rubber incline. Far beyond the edge of the incline you see the seashore.
You navigate the zog-doll back into position.

]trot over to ring-shaped protrusion. lick ropes.

You trot up the incline, to the rubber ring-like protrusion. The rope hangs in many odd tangles from it, dripping.

You stick out your tongue and taste salty, salty, salty rope fiber. Yeech. Reminds you of shredded wheat cured as beef jerky. Beyond the ring protrusion, in the distance, you see the overcast sky. Beneath it you see- the sea floor, exposed. No water. Many, many fish and other sea critters flail helplessley about in the damp air.


]skip along rope.

You begin to skip, following the many twists of the rope. Robie gives you a perfectley normal look, and disappears over the side of the rubber incline, where two metal upside-down U shapes are planted on the edge.
After a few feet, you slip on a mass of rope and fall down. Not fun. Zog says "Ow!" compulsively from inside your jumpsuit.

]remove screwdriver from jumpsuit. yank zog's cord, don't let it retract.

You unzip your jumpsuit just long enough to retreive the screwdriver, feeling the shock of cold air again.
You yank zog's cord out, upon which he draws a sharp breath. You hold it out for quite a while, and Zog's face slowly turns blue.

]use screwdriver to cut zog cord.

The screwdriver is a phillips. It would do no good.
Zog is now turning "burnt-sienna".

]release cord, plug ears.

You release the cord of the zog doll, and rush your fingers to your ears. In doing this last, you drop your zog-doll AND your screwdriver. You hear, faintly: "WHY YOU FUCKING BASTAA-*" (thump) "*-OUCH! WHY DID YOU DO THAT, YOU D-* (BONK) "HEY, WATCH IT WITH THE SCREWDRIVER, OAF! I OUGHTA C-*" and the noise stops, abruptly.

]look zog doll.

You look down and see the zog doll, lying face down on a mass of the thick rope, it's cord pulled all the way in.
The screwdriver has rolled a few feet away from it.

]get screwdriver, shove it up through zog doll's chin into head.

You get the screwdriver.
You lean down, and, before the Zog-doll can notice anything funny going on, grasp it's head and jam the screwdriver up under its chin, into its "brain". It's last words perplex you. "Roose-- buudd..." (click)

With a squeaking noise, a panel opens up on the rubber incline, a few feet to your left. Darkness is revealed.

]go that-a-way.

The that-a-way leaves the room.

time passes...

You hear scraping noises coming from the hole. Another panel, similar to the first, opens up to your right. You hear a shuddering, vibrating noise.

]remove screwdriver from zog doll's head. read label on doll.

You stick your foot firmly on top of the zog-doll's little body, and yank the screwdricer free, with a high-pitched scraping noise. The little hole in his chin leaks purple "joose". You lean in close and turn the doll over. The label next to the cord says: "Warning. Pull-cord talking Zog-Doll is NOT a toy!!"

]dive into darkness.

Which darkness, the left darkness or the right darkness?

]the left darkness.

You crouch down and spring outwards, across the rubber surface. You shoot directly down the hole, headfirst. You slide for a long, long, while in total darkness.

... time passes ...
You land with a hard bump on a beanbag. The beanbag is green, and lumpy.
Around you you see many squat, spangly purple fungi growing out of crumbly rocks. A passage heads off to the north, and another to the south.

]put nose over fungi, inhale deeply. attempt to stuff beanbag into jumpsuit.

You lean out across the beanbag, over one of the broad, squat shrooms.
You inhale many, many spores. They lodge in your brain.
You now grok spam!

You stand up, step off the beanbag, grab it firmly, and, in one swift motion, ... cram the beanbag into your jumpsuit and zip it up!

]shuffle north

You walk easily to the north.

A single ray of sunlight shoots down from the center of this high, domed cavern. Where it lands, on the brown crumbly floor, you see a glass dome with an odd device under it. The shrooms are all around the room. Caves continue to the east, west, and back to the south. An odd blue circle is on the northern wall.

]examine circle in more detail.

It is large, about 7 feet in diameter, and reflective. It bulges slightly outward.

]brush blue circle lightly with finger

You approach the blue circle, and reach out to it. Abruptly, it disappears from the center out, and you see a long platform heading out into a dark room beyond.

]look at glass dome.

You walk back to the glass dome, squinting at the sunlight spraying off it's surface. Beneath the dome is a cylinder, made out of complex metal peices and wires, with a circular pit in the top of it. It appears to be a receptacle, about the size of a donut.

]go east.

You walk down the eastern cave/hallway, and arrive in what appears to be a church. Why it is in the center of a cave, who knows. You walk past many dusty pews, up the center aisle, to an altar. It is bathed in crazy colors from several impossibly tall stained-glass windows.
A book rests on the altar, and a can.

]get can. read book.

You reach out for the can, but a voice booms from nowhere: "THOU SHALT NOT!!" and echoes all over the high ceiling and the pews before fading away. You decide not to get the can.

You open the book to the first page. It says:
"The meaning of life, in six easy steps:"
You turn the page and discover that the rest of the book is gone, including the back cover and most of the binding.

]carve "42" into altar with phillips.

Done. "42" is scrawled into the soft, multi-stained rock of the grey altar.

]knock can off altar with screwdriver.

You swing with the screwdriver, but as you are about to connect, the can becomes transparent and the screwdriver passes through.
The booming voice returns: "THOU SHALT NOT!!!" ..... "this message brought to you by the church of jesus christ, latter-day saints. don't forget to prEy. BEEP"

]remove one mouse from jumpsuit, drop from just above can.

You manage to catch one of the mice in your hand, after rooting around for a while. It squeaks, annoyed at the world.

You hold it out over the can and let go. It lands on the can, nimbly, and scrabbles off behind the altar in a flash. You can hear it jabbering from somewehre within the stone.

]thighs-of-doom the alter and can.

You must first have chun-li kicking skilltm.

... time passes ...

A chicken, clucking angrily, runs in from the western hallway/cavern. It flutters up onto one of the pews and lays an egg in midair. SPLAT.

]take cotten panties from jumpsuit and strech them over can from above.

What, without taking off your jumpsuit?!

]okay, remove jumpsuit and cotton panties. don jumpsuit.

You unzip and remove your jumpsuit. It's not chilly in here, oddly. As you step out of it, the remaining blind mice scurry from one of the pockets and dissappear beneath the pews. The chicken squawks, and dives under the pew it was perched on moments ago.
You hear squaking and scrabbling as you slip off your cotton panties and re-don your jumpsuit, zipping it up.

]strech panties over can.

You grasp your panties at opposite ends and turn them upside down over the can. You widen your fingers to create an opening, and slip the panties down over the can. You let go of the stretchy edges and the panties snap firmly around the middle of the can. +14 points.

The chicken has reduced two loud squeaking noises to one.

]cluck loudly. grab can and panties.

You cluck, and the chicken falls silent, momentarily. -But it soon continues squawking and screeching, chasing after the remaining blind mouse.

You attempt to grab the can and your hand passes through.
You grab your panties, around the can, and manage to pick up both.

]put can (inside panties) into jumpsuit. west.

You unzip your jumpsuit and drop in the can and panties. They land somewhere down next to the beanbag.

You head back down the tunnel to the west, leaving the chicken and the mouse to their business.

The blue circle has irised shut again.

]try to lift glass dome away from cylinder.

The glass dome lifts easily over the top of the odd cylinder.
You now have one glass dome. You stuff it into your jumpsuit.

]put donut in cylinder. replace glass dome.

You root around in your jumpsuit and pull out the half-donut. As you drop it into the donut-shaped receptacle, the cylinder glows- but only faintly. Maybe you should have saved the WHOLE donut. Oh well.

You place the glass dome back over the odd faintly-glowing cylinder.

]run through blue iris.

You run towards the iris, but as you approach it, it irises open before you can run through it.

This is a mettalic, grey platform running north and south. Darkness is all around. You might get eaten by a grooo.


Bravely, you walk onwards into the darkness.

This mettalic platform disappears into gloom, to the north and south.
It's still dark enough for grooos.
In fact,
A small grey creature comes running towards you on the platform, from the north. It's three stubby legs carry it slowly closer. You can see glowing green eyes, the size of marbles, about a foot from the floor.

]damn. south, south, get glass dome, north, north.


You walk south. The squat critter follows you at an energetic but stubby pace.

The creture slows down a bit, not cackling quite so much.

The creature is no longer following you. You can see to green, glinty eyes to the north, though. -But not for long. The blue door irises shut.

You grab the glass dome from around the cylinder and stuff it rapidly into your jumpsuit.


The blue circle irises open as you pass.
There is a short, three-legged creature here, clutching an immense silver knife and fork in it's two claws. It's glinty green eyes stare hungrily at you. This, ladies and gentelman, is a grooo.

]trap grooo in glass dome.

The grooo gets up to charge you, but you quickly slip the glass dome over it's head. It bangs futilely on the glass sides with it's knife and fork, making an awful racket, chattering all the while in shrill grooo-ese.

]keep groo under dome. tease groo.

With one hand holding the dome securely down, you lean out and unzip your jumpsuit and unhook your bra in one swift motion. The grooo's tongue lolls out and it looks stupified as you wiggle your exposed breasts in it's face, through the glass. After a while the grooo seems to break the spell, however, for it becomes extremely angry and begins to pound on the glass with renewed vigor. You hook your bra together and zip up your jumpsuit.

]run north

In order to run north, you let go of the top of the glass dome. The grooo, though unable to lift it, IS able to slide it. As you run north you hear a few scraping noises, followed by a long shrill scream that slowly moves downwards, beneath you, ending finally in a faint thump and a racket of shattering glass.

It's dark. You might get eaten by a grewewew.

]north. north. north.

You might get eaten by a grewewew. Your survival instincts prevent further progress north.

]return to CAVERN CLEARING. west.

You head SOUTH, and SOUTH again.

The dome-less cylinder continues to glow, faintly. It also hums a merry tune. You walk west

Garote is here, occupying a seat in a large refreshment wagon that has been set up against the western wall. He looks up with glee as you approach. He is decked out in a striped-red refreshment-server's uniform, complete with big, yellow smiley face button reading "hAVE A nICE Day". Many snacks fill the display cases of the little wagon-shop.
"How's the game so far?" Garote asks, fiddling with a very long licorice whip.

]Tell garote it's not as amusing at Net-Zombie 24.

To that, Garote replies: "Well, note that Net-Zombie wasn't written in one sitting, with a host-player setup. Ol' Zog wrote that and took his time." He puts away the licorice whip, and produces a ridiculously large lollipop with a picture of Bob on it. ]ask garote what he is doing with all the candy.

"Well," he replies, "I was TRYING to make a quick fortune in the brisk 'candy and refreshment' business, and the asshole who sold me this cave said it was 'prime tourist material', and I was stupid enough to believe him."
"So here I am with hundreds of dollars in milk-duds, and you're my first customer!"

]barter for a box of good 'n plenty with jar from church.

Garote pulls out an unbelievably large box of good 'n' plentys, and sets it on the counter. "Let's see here..." he says. "That can you got wrapped in those panties there is worth about fifty of these. Better hold onto it." "HEre, try a donut instead!"
Garote slaps a chocolate-frosted broccoli donut onto the counter.
"No charge."

]ask garote what's in the can.

He gives you an odd look "Why, the meaning of life, of course! Chunky style, with added beans and extra bell peppers."
"And put away those panties!" he says. "You do produce pheromones, you know."

]wiggle atractively at garote. ;)

Garote looks away, sheilding his eyes. "No, no! Must ... resist! You're not here for such nonsense!" he looks rather shaken anyway.


Points: +14

]get doughnut. put doghnut in cylinder in CAVERN CLEARING.

Doughnut: taken.

As you leave to the east, Garote calls out: "Have fun, and don't get eaten by any grooos, grewewews, greiiws, or greouse!"

You replace the half-donut with the broccoli donut. The cylinder glows brightly now, and hums a very happy tune indeed.

]get cylinder. north. north. north!

You cannot remove the cylinder from it's platform. It seems to be stuck.

You walk north, and the blue door irises open to reveal that the room with the platform is now lit. You see that all that time you had been walking far above a very expansive rock garden. The platform extends far to the north, all the way to a door in the opposite wall. You walk north.

Directly below you you see the roofs of a small town. It is a thick cluster of dirty straw and mud houses. Many odd figures walk back and forth beneath you, around the buildings. You continue walking.

There is a doorway, with a sliding panel accross it, currently shut. You see two upside-down-U shaped bars planted on the edge of the platform here, like the ones on the big rubber incline. You lean out and see that it is a long metal ladder, disappearing down into a dense forest.


You are directly above the small town. You smell smoke and bubbling grooo bits.

]leap off!

Are you sure?


Okay. You jump off the edge of the platform and fall straight down through the roof of one of the straw houses, with a splintery, rustling crash. You land with a thick splash in a very warm pot of stew, but your jumpsuit protects you. Through the haze of straw fibers and the mass of collapsed roof you make out scrambling aminal shapes, and hear many confused animal noises to accompany them.

]taste stew

You lean down and slurp a mouthful. It is very spicy. Tastes like old pulse-dial modems. You now know how to schwing.

The animal noises decrease in volume, and you hear shrill shouts in the distance. The straw haze clears to reveal a collapsed house, a few grewewew corpses, and a ring of leaning, claustrophobic buildings with little red eyes peering fearfully out their windows at you.

]rise from stewpot, arms spread wide. act like god-sent messenger.

You slowly, majestically, rise from the steaming, stinky broth. A few entrails dangle from your arms as you raise them aloft, and annouce "I am the messenger from GOD!!" in your loudest voice. The little red eyes all cower away, and you hear a chorus of whining, whimpery noises.

]leap from stewpot, rush to nearest creature. scream "THOU SHALL NOT!!"

You leap from the stewpot, splashing congealing grooo-stew everywhere. The first creature you encounter happens to be an angoran rock-lizard, chewing on one of the fresh grewewew corpses. "THOU SHALL NOT!!" you scream at it. The lizard becomes so frightened it craps a gooey puddle under itself and bursts into shameful flames. All the red eyes look even more frightened, and again you hear the chorus of whines.
The smell of sizzling angoran rock-lizard flesh assails your nostrils.

]thrust chest out, strut around like I own everything. north.

You thrust your chest out, which would look enticing to anything but grewewews, and walk around with a look of high dignity on your features. You sniff at the boards and step over the corpses in a manner most aloof. Slowly, you make your way around the buildings full of cowed eyes in a northernly direction, and arrive at a

This tree is thick and very bushy. The branches spread out in all directions, forming a tangled mass that ends just above your head. There is a wooden window carved into the stout trunk, a few feet from the ground. You can exit north, south, east, or west, as this is a clearing.

]lean into window, ask for Bob.

You would lean into the window, but it is closed.

]bang on window.

You pound your fist repeatedly on the stout wooden door/window, and after a while you hear a faint "I'm coming... hold on..." and footsteps from somewhere within the tree. In a few seconds you hear a rattling latch an the window opens to reveal a very, very, VERY ugly looking gnome.
"WELL?" he demands.

]say "Yes, I have a package for a Mr. Bob Keebler?"

The gnome looks surprised. "Now that's odd." he says. "'Cause Bob moved out of here about sixty years ago. SAid he was gonna go seek his fortune. H'ain't never gotten a forwarding address, but I'll take the package if you want."
The gnome toys idly with his twelve gangrenous eyebrow rings.

]say "sure, that'll be just fine and dandy!" (smile), place jar/panties on window ledge.

The gnome hears you, and is slightly brightened by your winsome smile. A look of complete and utter confusion claims his face, though, when you place the panty-clad can on the windowsill.
He stares at it for a while, twisting the hair braided on the backs of his fingers, and looks up at you. "What'll I do with this thing, then?"

]say "well, I DO believe that there're instructions inside it! remove panties, offer can to gnome.

The gnome is confused again by your mention of "offer can to gnome", but soon his expression clears and he says "Oh, I see! I hafta remove this cotton thing, and give the can to m'brother! So, there's instructions, eh?" He rummages around beneath the view of the windowsill (as near as you can judge, he's rooting about in his underwear) and comes up with a rusty but functional can-opener.
"Let's just have a look here." he says, as he ponderously tries to fit the can to the opener.

]extrude pheromones

You do not know how to "extrude".
The gnome is slowly, but surely working the can around on the rusty opener. He has removed the cotton panties, and they rest on the windowsill. From below, you hear a few knocking noises and a faint voice calls "WHo's at the window, Fred?!"
Fred looks up from his work and answers "nothing, Pogsley. Just some sexy broad with a nice can." To this, Pogsley replies "WHAT?!" and you hear footsteps.

]produce pheremones

Ah. You begin exhuding pheremones. This is easy, to do so you just think intently of sex.
The gnome opening the can, Fred, is busy with the rusty opener. Soon he'll have the can open.
In a few seconds, Pogsley appears behind Fred in the little window. He peers out at you. "Holy moley!" he says, appreciatively.

]produce pheremones produce pheremones produce pheremones

You concentrate very, very hard and produce pheremones at %90 full production.
Fred, on the verge of opening the can, is sweating profusely and shaking. The can opener rattles. Pogsley seems to have reverted to more primal urges, as, though he is not in view any more, you hear a series of grunts.

]coax Fred.

You approach Fred, who has set the opener and the can, now open, on the windowsill. He looks up at you, his eyes bugging out, his body vibrating like a tuning fork. You grin slyly at him.
Fred collapses on the floor of the tree-house, and you hear many thumps and bangs that could only mean he is in the process of falling down the stairs.

]look into can.

You look down into the can, resting on the windowsill. You see a little ring of light at the bottom of the otherwise dark interior.
Fred has apparently collided with Pogsley, for you now hear Pogsley ranting and raving for Fred to get the hell off him.

]reach into can. feel about.

You put your hand into the can and almost immediately contact a flat, wood surface.

]grab the wooden object and remove it from the can

There doesn't seem to be any place to grab it. It is completely flat.

]curse! knock wood.

"SHIT!" you say. You knock your knuckle on the wood as hard as you can and are surprised to hear the tree resound with the noise. You realize that you have been feeling the surface of the windowsill, through a large hole in the bottom of the can.

]turn can upside down.

Turning the can over reveals a hole, chewed as if by a rusty can opener in the same way as the other side of the can.
You hear, from within the tree, "If you don't get off me NOW, Fred, I'm going to do something really MEAN!!"

]climb through window.

You would not fit even if you weighed 40 pounds less and were a foot shorter.

... time passes

You hear creaking noises coming from the east


You are in a clearing, bumpy in places, and strewn with many multi-colored rocks. In the middle of the biggest grassy area you see Garote, struggling to set up his candy-wagon. He whistles tunelessey as he jams a support into place with a rubber mallet.

]yell to garote. jump about frantically. unzip jumpsuit.

You yell, wordlessley, at Garote. He stops whistling and looks up from his work. "Why hello there! My, you look pissed off!"

You jump around, frantic, smashing the grass at your feet. "Well, those gnomes were rather annoying, eh? But I swear to you that they DIDN'T steal anything from the can!" Garote stands up and places the mallet on the counter of his roving snack-shop.

You unzip your jumpsuit. "Oh, come on, stop it!" says Garote. He takes out a blindfold and ties it over his eyes, then picks up the rubber mallet and continues to pound (rather inaccurately) at the support to one of the counters.

]say "there's a whole village of customers to the south-west, guy.", roll around on grass nude.

Garote hears you and says "Oh, you mean the grewewew town? Naah. They don't have any money! They just eat grooos when they're hungry, anyhow.

To roll around nude you must first remove your clothing. However, you do roll around on the ground, and manage to poke yourself painfully with the stiff tubes of grass, through the open area of your jumpsuit. You have now crushed a large area of the grass. Garote, finished pounding in the support, is rummaging around in a toolbox for another tool.

]spread ashes on grass. remove clothing. roll.

You cannot figure out how to open the damn jar. The mechanism seems to be the lock-on only type. That is, it don't open. You give up with the jar and simply remove your jumpsuit and amazinoan bra. There is no breeze, so you are not too chilly. You roll around on the crushed spot in the grass. Hmmm. Not the same as a sunny field back home, but it works. You get poked with a few more bits of grass. Garote has found another peg, and it busy hammering it into a pole around on the other side of the snack-shop.

]watch sky(?)

On your back, looking up, you see above you the four walls of this room ending in a gigantic glass and steel dome. It must be a half a mile above you. Behind it, you see distorted images of clouds scrolling slowly by. The metal platform bisects your vision as a dark, fuzzy line- because it is relatively close.


You draw yourself up into a sitting lotus position and intone a mantra. Your mind clears, temporarily, to the waking-state you were at when you got out of bed. All the experience and reactions you have gathered from the day are now heaped about you in their haphazard piles, for you to root through.
In the distant reality, you note that Garote has finished hammering the supports for his wagon and is setting up the gondola and the display.
He is impaired by the blindfold, though.

]ask garote where the toothpaste is.

You feel like a Pink Floyd Song: "Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying..." That is, you feel your external body form the question, but it is a disconnected action, as if travelling through long wires. You observe Garote, in reality, pausing and saying "As I recall, you left it out on the sink and your sister stole it." he continues setting up shop.

]ask what can is.

The same disconencted voicing. Garote replies, almost immediately, "It was the meaning of life. The final answer to an unanswerable question, by definition. If you are a part of life, IN it, you cannot learn or know a definite answer. All of this (he gestures blindly with a large measuring stick) is the question, and also the answer." He thinks for a bit, and adds "if you apply it to that way of thinking, that is."
This, obviously, does you not a shred of good.


Points: +14

]wander subconcious realm.

You pass, spectre-like, though non-existant dimensions. Concepts are stacked up on base thoughts and connected together as in waking life, but here you can see the processes, and take apart the connections to see the real roots of them. You pass many piles of unsorted facts, and navigate a twisted maze from the point of view of the maze. You travel along yourself. You create an interior probe, formed by thoughts, and it feeds back upon itself, creating the structures of logical analysis. Pictures and sounds are compared with each other on many levels, an endless process of comparing, connections reinforced to make structures... It all slowly fades away and you are at the base of the conscious mind, which, oddly, is an intangible nothing. Without external influence to pull you, you could be entirely within this, and thereby, be dead.
But being entirely within it is impossible. You observe, almost against your will, Garote selling an impossibly thick candy cane to a dazed looking gnome. Your mind is compelled to connect the images and sounds in that never-ending comparing process that is thinking.

]seek chun-li skill within self.

You search your nerve endings, testing the strength of limbs based on previous reactions- feedback again. You find, however, that you do not have chun-li skill. The afternoon has passed on. It is getting a bit cold, nude here on the grass.

]rub eyes wearily. don jumpsuit. zip up.

You rub your eyes to clear your mind. You re-dress (real word? who knows). You zip up the jumpsuit and immediately feel warmer. Your bra, however, is not on.

]fondle gnome's ears. eat candy.

The gnome is no longer in the area. Garote, though, is still here. The immense box of good'n'plentys is still on the counter. "Thought I'd save that for ya." Garote winks (the blindfold has been put away).

You tear open the GnP box and extract one gargantuan good'n'plenty. It looks like the kind of medication they give terminally old people. You take a large bite out of it and chew. Tastes fruity, and kind of waxy. "Don't overdose, now." warns Garote.

]ask garote what overdose would do

"I don't really know, but I stay away from those things m'self." He draws a long, brown tube of tootsie roll from a plastic container and gnaws on one end.


You have just meditated. You are in no state for sleeping.

]fuck garote for 4 hours. sleep.

You begin to approach Garote, but he holds up his hand. "OOOh, no. I know what you're thinking. I TOLD you those Good'n'plentys were powerful. Watch this."
Before you can unzip your jumpsuit, he snatches a bag from beneath the counter and dumps it's contents on his own head. The sparkly-sandy substance dissolves, and Garote's body changes shape. He is now female.
"Hah! Your pheremones have no effect, now!"

You do not really need the sleep, but, you suppose, it would help pass the time. You stroll over to the smashed grassy area and sit down.


You fall asleep. The dream processes dissolves all the unneeded reactions and experience from your mind, and shoves the rest through your senses in a kind of reenforcement-based learning that reacts with the already-stored personality of yours and produces dreams. But pardon me, I'm just blabbing about intangibles.


Score: +14 out of a possible -2975924.