(Comic of terrorist mayhem here)

If the Happy Spot Crew...

If Garote ran an airline: "The Air Up There"
ONe booth, with me in it, taking their money. Evil grin and all. Then I tell them to step to the left, into the elevator.- one at a time. They start to go up, then, FOOM... The elevator stops. "What is wrong?" They think. Suddenly the elevator begins plunging downwards at in incredible speed. Lights begin flashing everywhere. THey become paranoid, they open their mouths to scream... And suddenly the Buddy S. Trio appears, wooden drummer, terminally cool sax player, and all: "You're gonna win, you're gonna go, you're head of the pack, king of the show. You're on the move, straight to the top. You're way out in front, you'll never stop... You're gonna wiiIIn! You're gonna WIIIIN!" Then: *SPLAT*. >:) And-he-never-got-up-int-the-morning etc. etc. pools of blood, vapors... of... nerve .. gas...... in the air... no, no, no ... (etc) GEe, what obscurity.

If Zog ran an airline: "Air Do"
We would cater to terrorists. Daily flights to Cambodia and Iran, all that. And top 40 artists! Terrorists and top 40 artists. There would be no metal detectors, but there would be a few motorcycle gang members to act as "Taste Police", who 1). make sure you are not wearing tacky clothing, like "Pimp" designer wear (an actual clothing label, I assure you), 2). Anyone with big, frizzy hair is strapped down and must endure the horror of one of the bike-gang members LICKING THEIR HAIR INTO A LIMP, LIFELESS HAIRDO. We wouldn't lose any of our valuable airline staff due to bombings and high-jacks, tho, because the pilot would be randomly selected from the ten oldest men on the flight. And the oldest women get to draw straws to become the stewardesses.

If Zogs ex-roomate ran an airline: "Fouled Air"
Free plane tickets to anyone who kisses a large edifice of Bono (of U2) outside of the boarding gate. And once you're onboard, if you are wearing "Pimp" designer gear, you are ripped out of your seat, forced to chug 20 beers, and then thrown into the "earthquake rave + vomit room". That's where the pilot is, he/she keeps screaming "Isn't this cool!! Isn't this fun!!!" at the top of his/her lungs...

If the Rev. Android ran an airline: "Air Breaks"
The passengers would board the plane, then the entire plane dismantled and re-assembled. Something would go wrong in one of the engines, and blow up the plane. Survivors would be told to go to Brad's airline.

If the Rev."Mr.DNA" Brad ran an airline: "AbnormAir"
Everyone would be required to wear an AV-93 Action Vest, and would be given a Pink Floyd "norm" mask, as seen in "The Wall", and if they couldn't pass through the Nental Ife Detector at the terminal, they would be promptly thrown into the engines.

If jrmat ran an airline: "Church Air"
People would enter the terminal, I would take their money, with a shit eating grin, and a pipe in my teeth. They would walk through the conduit from the terminal to the aircraft, as my lovely stewardess slaps a large stamp with the image of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs on their backs as they pass. Upon reaching the end of the tube, a trap door would open up, and their bodies would be chopped up and processed into Succulent BrownTM, for sale on the mass market.

If Commodore Phil Photon IEC ran an airline: "Air Pressure"
The metal detectors would be used to scan the passengers and crew as they disembark at major airports. The plane's H-rated tires would be replaced before each flight, and the plane would ensure a fast take off and landing by firing SRAMRAMs at enroaching aircraft. Air-Traffic-Control towers would be used for target practice, and fuel tanker trucks for slalom practice. All turns have a minimum requirement of a 60 degree bank, including taxiways. There is an exposed gun barrel next to each "NO FUCKING SMOKING, GODDAMN IT" sign. The "STRAP IN, SHUT UP, AND HANG ON" light comes on as soon as the ignition key is turned and stays on for the duration of the flight. The lavatory toilets have a 600 psi suction assist mechanism attached to a button marked "BIDET". Passengers are allowed to operate as many electronic devices onboard as they want, provided they use the plane's power circuit, which is clean 120VAC with 60 kilovolt spikes during turns. Flushing the toilet during landings is not permitted, as the plane's brakes will lose hydraulic pressure, disengaging the 6,000 triangular files from the balsa-titanium composite discs. Airline food consists of MREs exposed to explosive decompression to expand them to full size, and passengers receiving foil-wrapped peanuts also receive a 60mm Vulcan cannon to assist in opening them. Round trip flights consist of circling the airport for 5 minutes and kicking out round-trip passengers before proceeding on course. "Special Fare" indicates a seat in the cargo bay. To help passengers control the actions of those around them, all overhead air jets are adjustable up to 6,000 pounds per square inch of pressure, and can be aimed at any of the surrounding seats. Pushing the "SERVICE" call button detonates a small explosive charge in the overhead bin. Closer examination of the label on that button reveals the prefix "DIS" in faded print. Stewardesses are completely naked and better armed than you are. The plane's radio compass is a walkie-talkie the pilot uses to talk to the guy in the back holding a magnet on a piece of dental floss. I'm done now... uh... listen to my show... uh... yeah. Fly with Phil.

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