'Chapter 1'

Reverend Android Mark's driving experience

Chapter 1

> yes tell me tell me of your old car and the wreck? how did the engine survive?
> mark

I'm SO glad you asked!

I was driving up Highway 1, just south of Moss Landing (right where it's two lanes) cruisin' along at 55, totally happy because I just left J.D.'s house after not seeing him for nearly two years, and I really enjoyed visiting him. I was following the car in front of me kind of close, as is generally standard procedure at 5:30 on 1, when this stupid little piece-o-shit Fiat pulled out RIGHT in front of the car ahead of me and (seeing as how it was such a piece of shit) barely accelerated at all.

The car in front of me slammed on his brakes, I slammed on mine, and HE had antilock brakes, because he stopped just fine. I, on the other hand suffered brake lock-up and my car went spinning out, RIGHT into the ONCOMING traffic. Six cars went swerving all over the place to avoid me, and they all did- except one; a 1987(I think) Ford Tempo. I broadsided that Tempo, and it hardly even changed the heading of my car. The sheer MASS of my DODGE was just TOO MUCH for that little Ford, and it bounced off like a ping-pong ball, plus one CONCAVE driver's side.

WEll, I spun a little bit further, regained control of the car, and promptly pulled over to the right-hand side of the road. I sat for a minute, and this dude came up to my car and knocked on the window; I thought he was going to kick my ass, or something, and gave me this really nasty look and said "In a little bit of a hurry, aren't you?" I got out, pushed him aside, and walked around to all of the cars in que to check for damage, and ask everybody if they were all right (I was scared for my wallet!).

There were five passengers in the Tempo, but nobody got hurt. The Driver was this annoying fat lady who was completely hysterical, and kept screaming at me- I wanted to say "Look, just shut the hell up! If you woulda just swerved like everyone else did, I wouldn't have hit you!!" She was about the fourth car coming in the other lane, so she had a lot more time to react than did the first person, who got right out of the way easily. I never left the road, or even came very close, so anyone who just steered to the shoulder was just fine. I would guess that, upon seeing four cars worth of complete mayhem in front of her, she would have reacted.

But she was the [only] person there who couldn't keep her wits at all (I mean, she was COMPLETELY wack-0, she was calling me names, and yelling at me saying "You could've killed me!!" and "You could've killed my daughter!!" and "I JUST BOUGHT this CAR!!" Tears flying EVERYWHERE.) Even her daughter didn't cry that much. NOBODY was really even UPSET, JUST HER. ackackackackackakcakc..

Well, her Tempo was TOTALLY totalled, the whole driver's side looked like it got hit by a freight train, I, on the other hand, hammered a little metal away from my front tire, and drove home- my alignment didn't even get messed up. I'm sorry, folks. I still think "crumple zones" are stupid. the only time this would come in really handy is if you hit a semi. If you hit a semi, you're stupid anyway. Either that, or REALLY unlucky. Either way, you shouldn't be driving.

(Click here for his assessment of the damage!)


An accident? Stop Andy's car? NO WAY!! It takes TWO SUPER-ACCIDENTS to keep ANDYMON from rolling!

It's Wednesday morning, about 6:30am, I just got off work at 6, and I made a little detour to check out a car that I was interested in obtaining (more on that in a minute) and it was ABSOLUTELY POURING RAIN. I'm driving down Hillsdale Ave, a 6-lane road with a center lane. Speed limit is 45. I'm traveling 45. Suddenly, the front tire on the driver's side blows out, and you guessed it, I LOSE CONTROL OF THE VEHICLE, squealing RIGHT INTO the ONCOMING traffic! Well, I regained control for a moment, just enough to get me peeling back to the right lane. Now, I'mheading for the right-hand curb at about a 45 degree angle. I skid right up some dude's driveway, go RIGHT THROUGH his BRICK WALL and into his neighbor's driveway. I find that I'm heading right for a really new looking car, so I make an emergency swerve to the left, into this dude's front yard where the car comes to a stop. I say something like "Fuck! That was pretty cool!!", and then hit the accelerator and go flying off a retaining wall, landing about 2 1/2 to 3' onto the sidewalk, and then I park it next to the curb.

The guy who owns the wall comes FLYING out of his house and he says "Jeezus! That sounded like a damn BOMB going off!! I'm suprised my neighbors didn't come out, too!"

It's pretty fortunate for this guy that I'm a nice guy (and that there were witnesses) because a lot of people wouldn't have stopped. (although I DID have a tire to change, and NOW, a dented starter motor) I talked with him for a while, made a police report, changed my tire (it turned out, by the way, that the tire blew out on me because in the FIRST accident, the sheetmetal in the wheel-well had rubbed on the tire- that was the metal that I hammered out of the way- and had worn it ALMOST completely through. I'm suprised it didn't blow out on me over Hwy 17!) and got in my car, expecting it to start. WRONG. The starter was all coated with red brick-mush and had a big dent in it, so it wouldn't turn the engine over to start it.

I kicked my car a couple times, then kissed it, and walked about 1 1/2 miles in the rain (I had ALREADY been in the rain for about 15 minutes from changing that tire, while about 6 seperate people drove REALLY FAST through the puddle right behind me and splashed me with water.) to a phone, where I waited for 45 minutes for a cab. By the time the cab got there, I was FREEZING, and couldn't stop shivering; I was shivering so much that I could hardly tell the guy where to go. I gave him a 20, stumbled out of the car, and stumbled into my front door where I took off my clothes and stood over the heater, whilst telling the story to my parent(s).

I like life to be INTERESTING, but that is NOT synonomous with FULL OF SHIT!!

I still like driving.. :)

Well, you didn't think that Andymon would stay without a car for long, do you? Of COURSE NOT! I've got a 1976 Dodge Charger, silver with maroon interior, and a grey vinyl top. No engine in it right now, but I'm going to take the engine out of my poor old Polara and put it in this Charger, either this weekend, or maybe Wednesday.

Wow, I know this is really poorly written, but that's what happens when you work for someone like The Home Depot, and you never sleep.

Andy's Assessment of the Damage:

Okay, let's take a look, here...

One 1963 1/2 Dodge Polara,

One 198x Ford Tempo,

One ComPLETEly DESTROYED brick wall,

And there it IS.

Rev. AndroidYYyyYY

Go on to Chapter Two...
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