Android's Run-In with The Man

From android Tue Jul 4 02:19:04 1995
Subject: Re: Hey!
Status: RO

I got pulled over Thursday-before-last because my registration tags are not current. I pulled over, and they asked me to step out of the car. I cooperated and got out, went over to their car and talked for a little while. I was panicking a little, as I was already late for work, and I didn't want to get fired.

Well, officer #1 asked if he could search my car, and me, being REALLY STUPID, and forgetting that it's completely up to me whether I want to have my car searched or not, said "YES". I said YES, goddamnit! When you get a license, and you get pulled over, if the officer asks to search your car, whether you have something illegal in the car or not, say NO. Don't EVER let the cops search your car. You open yourself up to ALL KINDS of fraud and mistreatment by saying yes, and they're not allowed to do anything to you if you say no, so JUST SAY NO!!

Anyway, there just HAPPENED to be some, um, illegal substances in my car that I had forgotten about, and of course, Mr. Police Officer found it. I got promptly handcuffed and whisked up that hill at 9 miles per hour to the police station. At the police station, I was fingerprinted about 30,000 times and subjected to a strip search ("Okay, now turn around and spread your butt cheeks. Fine. Now face towards me. Lift up your nut sack so I can check underneath..."), a thoroughly demeaning activity that you would not enjoy unless you were pretty sick. (well, I guess it wasn't TOO bad..) They took some mug shots where I looked bored in one, and hysterical in the other. They rushed me back into the car and zoomed me over to the jail, where I stood around for an hour filling out forms, then went to a "holding cell".

At first, the holding cell wasn't too bad. It was a nondescript little brick room with a really annoying sink and a stainless steel toilet. I started out on my own, and this was fine, because I began carving "FNORD" in the paint on the door moulding. I only got out "FNO" before they put someone else in with me; an 18-year old dude who was there for domestic violence. That was okay, because he was pretty small and looked kind of scared, so he posed no threat to me, and I of course wouldn't do anything to him. How he accomplished any sort of domestic violence, I have no idea. I believe his story that his grandmother was lying because she caught him smoking pot and she wanted him locked up for a while. So, this worked out. There were two benches, and we both kinda wanted to sleep. NOOO!! Never!

They brought in a third guy, a homeless person who just got himself arrested because he wanted somewhere to sleep, get clean, and get fed. He turned down the offer they gave him to be released. He stank. He smelled REALLY bad, and this closet was too small for three people. He went over to the other guy's bench and sat down, which, of course, made the other dude get up instantly. Stinky layed down and used up the whole thing. I scooted down right next to the door so I could gasp at the air through the little sound-perforations in the panel. Whew! We were in there with that guy for about an hour, but it seemed like CENTURIES. He obviously hadn't used toilet paper in weeks.

Well, the jail people got us up, had us fill out some more forms, and then 18 and I were walked out of this 95 degree stink hole to the drunk tank.

The Drunk Tank is a plexiglas surrounded room with a TV and an air conditioner. They keep the air conditioner on HIGH to make it REALLY cold and help keep germs from passing around through the air. We were there with about 16 other people, 50% of which were simple drug cases like mine. There was a TV, where we could watch all of the great shows that are on the local TV stations at 3:00am on friday morning (I had been incarcerated for 5 hours by now). We all sat in these plastic seats they had exchanging stories about why we were there, and made fun of this one guy whose last name was "Manson". Mostly the scum-of-the-earth, but there were a couple of normal regular-ol' guys and college students who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, doing the wrong thing, like myself.

We sat in there for 4 hours. Ugh. Stupid foreign film. Charlie's Angels. Knight Rider. "Cops". The Morning News.

We were filed out for a Tuberculosis test, where they use this little needle to inject some cruddy fluid underneath your skin and leave this obnoxious bump. Two days later it leaves a red spot and three it disappears. Anyway, they gave us these REALLY SHITTY orange vests to wear, an orange T-shirt, some really REALLY shitty rubber sandals, some orange underwear, and some brown canvas pants. Bleh. We then filed into an elevator, zipped up to the 6th floor, and shuffled off to our assigned cells. I happened to get 18 as my cell mate.

I went in, got on the top bunk of this really uncomfortable stainless sheet steel bed, chatted for a while with 18, and fell asleep. I slept for about 4 or 5 hours, thinking that they wouldn't have put me in a "real" cell if they didn't mean to keep me there for a few days, but I was fortunate. A guard came pounding on the door waking me up very abruptly telling me to get up, and that I was leaving. Well, of course, I got up instantly, grabbed my stuff and headed out, staggering all the way because I had only slept 4 hours after being awake 28 hours straight, but I didn't care! I was free! They had me fill out MORE forms, gave me back my money, wallet, and keys, gave me my clothes, and told me to follow the green line out the door, further instructions are on the pink form.

I staggered out that front door, the sun nearly burned my eyes out, and started WALKING. I didn't even pay attention to which direction, I just started walking. I walked to this great burger place I know and got the biggest darned burger I could get (I forgot to tell you about the jail "food" they gave us..) I put mustard, catsup, mayonnaise, cheese, jalapenos, tomatoes, lettuce, and onions on there, put some catsup on my fries and downed that food as fast as I could! I then walked out and realised that I walked 1 ½ miles in the opposite direction of my house. Well, anyway, I walked BACK to the jail, passed it, and walked 2 miles to my house, where I walked in, passed my parent(s), drank a whole lot of water, and went to sleep. Of course, they wanted to know what in the heck happened to me. I told them what I just told you.

I have to go to court over this on the 10th. Bleh. I don't want to pay for a lawyer, but I have to, or else I'm sure to have this on my record forever, probably as a felony. >:P

What wisdom have I gleaned from this?

  1. It isn't illegal unless you get caught.
  2. If you keep your slack, you can make ANYTHING seem fun. I was making jokes with the cops as they were taking me in, and checking out their computer. I was also laughing when they were talking about me on their radio using their "John Codes" so that I wouldn't understand what they're saying. Little did they know that I have most of the John Codes memorized.. ;)_

Yes, I was laughing quite a bit when he asked me to "lift up my nut sack". HahahahHAhaAHHAha!!

"It's okay of it looks like you're flipping me off while I'm getting your fingerprints."

"Haha! If I wanted to flip you off, you'd definitely know it!" (extends middle finger a little more) (Cop chuckles)

Darn, I wish I could've finished my "FNORD". It looked so good next to all of the gang graffiti!

Well, now that you know that I'm a hardened criminal, what do you think?

-Rev. Android

From android Wed Jul 5 17:05:10 1995
Subject: Re: Hey!
Status: RO

>Sounds like a disgusting experience, and I hope I never have to go through
>it myself. I think the strip search would get to me more than ANYTHING else.
>I think I would have cried or killed myself or worse.

Mmm, yeah, it sucked, but it wasn't too bad. I was too busy laughing at how bloody silly it all was to care too much.

>All I want to know is why they just suddenly let you out of jail. Were they
>feeling particularly nice that day, or what?

Ah, they let me out on my "own recognisance". Since I wasn't convicted yet, the only excuse they had for keeping me was to make sure that I didn't skip town before the court date. BUT, since it was a first offense, and not a very bad one, if the judge decides so, they will let you out and make you "promise" to come to court. Of course, I could just LEAVE now, I mean, they're certainly not going to extradite me from Michigan over this, but that would basically put an instant felony on my record, and then another if I ever came back and they caught me in town. SO, I think I'll just stick around for a while and HOPE LIKE HELL that the judge doesn't give me any jail time.

(Irrelevant other stuff deleted)

-Rev. Android

From android Mon Jul 10 12:10:47 1995
Subject: ArrrrrrrrrRrRrRGggGggGgHhHHH!!H!H!!!!!


I recieved a letter from the courthouse today telling me that I should come to my court case on July 10, at 9:15 am. July 10 is today, and, of course, the mail didn't come until 11:00. FUCKING MORONS. Well, so I arrive at the courthouse at 9:30am, like the fucking court summons says, and I'm too late. THey just passed over my case right before I got there, too bad, sob sob, you're going to have to schedule another court date, and it sure is a good thing you showed up, or else you would have a warrant out for your arrest for Felony Failure To Appear, and you would be instantly charged as guilty for the crime that the case was about, and one more felony in your life and, thanks to "three stikes yer out", we lock you up in prison for the rest of your life.


Well, I have another court date in mid to late August. FUCKING CON. GOD DAMNED PIECE OF SHIT GOVERNMENT SYSTEM. FUCK.

Would you like to help me in blowing up every city, county, state, or federally owned building in the United States? NO MOTHERFUCKING WONDER somebody finally blew up a capital building. SHIT, I HATE this government. If THIS is the best damned country in the world, I WANT OFF OF THIS PLANET.

So, I guess we might as well leave for Michigan now, and I'll come back in a month and 1/2 for this piece of shit. Maybe I could convince them that it's futile, and that my permanent residence is in Michigan, and that this Californicatia address is just my parents'. Nope. Sorry. THIS system is too bloody impersonal. It's impossible to just call a real person on the phone, tell them what's going on, and convince them to drop your case.

And the good thing? The guys next door fixed my exhaust system for free. It's really quiet now. They also told me where to get parts for cheap, and where to get my car ""smogged"". (only a block away)

Anyway, as you can probably imagine, my day has been made just a tad shittier, thanks to my government. Why the hell do I pay taxes? Because I'm stupid? Taxes no more. If they call me in to be audited, I'm bringing explosives.

-Rev. Android (My circuit's dead!)

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