I-Beam Corporation

Or: I can't believe it's not BUTTE, MT!


A typical and very disposable I-beam employee. Main character.


Big pushy annoying guy who thinks he's "big" and "tough", but is really just fat. Always yelling, and then laughing at himself.


Deaf lady who never does anything but sit at her terminal. Never moves unless there's a large explosion, or her terminal starts acting up.


Mediocre wishy-washy boss guy who has authority but is afraid to act on it.


Equally expendable as Slave, but has worked there for 10 years. He's the guy who always wrecks stuff in the clean room and hits the printers when they stop working

Mr L:

Another typical and disposable type who spends all of his time talking about his next beer or getting laid.

The Setting:

I-Beam Corporation (obvious clone of IBM) Cruddy warehouse. Walking in the front door, you see people sitting in cubicles playing "Network Solitaire" on their terminals, drinking coffee like it was GODZ ELIXYR, or something, eating, gossiping to the cubicle next door, etc. to the left. Piles of electronic CRAP to the right, and straight ahead is a "tech" in a clean-room eating cookies whilst poking a pile of electronic garbage on the table in front of him with a sparking probe, and writing stuff on a tablet.

We follow Slave in the front door.

Slave: Hi, everybody!
Slave: What, is everybody deaf?!
(Martha nods)
Fred: Start working on those files over there.
(Fred points at a HUGE pile of papers, sitting next to a filing cabinet)
Fred: Well, if you want..
(Zorching noises, jackhammers in the background)
(Slave looks at Fred, drooling)
(Fred slinks away)
Slave: This stuff SUCKS.
(walks over toward papers)
Slave: (To Willy) (Snobby accent) Is that a COOKIE in the clean room?
Willy: It's not a cookie, it's a FRUIT NEWTON! You see, NEWTONS are FRUIT and CAKE!
(He holds up an "Apple Newton" made out of cake. Big (all blue IBM style) apple logo on it. He takes a big, BIG bite out of it and chokes:)
Willy: AAcCK!! GOT MILK?!
(He falls over, behind the counter, and circuit boards and parts fly up in the air.)
(Zoom in on the clock.. The hands spin about three days by.. Zoom back out.)
(Slave is sitting on the floor, even more papers around him, asleep with his eyes open, HUGE black circles under eyes, cobwebs hanging from limbs.)
(Mr. L. Walks in.)
Mr. L: Hola, there Android! (Pauses to look) Man.. Ol' Buttcrumpet's gotcha doin' some pretty shitty work, there. (Sarcastically) What a dick..
Slave: (wearily) You're telling me?!
(Holds up his hands, coated with blood from 300,000 paper cuts, a couple staples loosely sticking into his skin, a black binder clip hanging from one of his pinky fingers)
Mr. L: Speakin' of dicks, I couldn't believe it, remember I told you I was goin' out with Juanita yesterday? Well, we were sitting in the ol' Boneyard there, and she just started stripping right in the cab! So, I was bonin' her, and, like, my brother just showed up and knocked on the window! Caught in the act! Man..
(This big green mainframe thing tips and falls over, landing inches behind Martha, and she doesn't even notice)
Slave: Heh..
Mr. L: So, I got rid of him and then her little brother comes up, all asking me for baseball cards and stuff.. I couldn't believe it. It was like I shoulda been chargin' admission to the people at Taco Bell watchin' me bone this chick..
Slave: Well, everybody recognises the Boneyard when they see it, now.. You're gonna have to find a new place to park!
Mr. L: I know.. Here it is, I thought that was a pretty good spot, I mean, it's behind the place, against the wall...
George: (really loud yelling in the background) I CAN'T HANDLE MY ZUCCHINI, DAMN IT!
Mr. L: Let's get out of here. You can probably just pile those papers up into a mound and they'll never even notice you're gone..
(Both walk out the door. As soon as it closes, everything explodes.)

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