Screenplay for a short film. A "horror" film. Although, the way we make films, it'll probably end up being a comedy.

"Clergy O'Death"

By Scott Johnson
Andy Mark
Garrett Birkel

(Black screen. A loud voice begins the Lord's Prayer:)

UNKNOWN- Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.

(Against the black, Rachmanninoff's Piano Concerto. Title appears: "Clergy O'Death". Under it appear other titles: "The Priests", "Mad Monks", "Altar Antics", "Bloody Alex on the Rocks- Satan, Not Stirred".)


(Sudden white. Fade in from white to hill. Standing on the hill is someone, wearing a cloak. Slowly walks toward building, never turning around. Cut to inside of building, where the monk is coming through the door. A visitor, Alex, dressed in shorts, T-shirt, backwards hat greets the monk:)

Alex: Ahh!!! Brother Fred!!! I have just come back from Spain!! I could tell you a story or two!!! Of course, you wouldn't want to hear them!!

Fred: Oh yes? What about?

Alex: [flip to picture of half-nude woman on GS SHR Convert.] Some of the women...

Fred: Spare me. [Flip back to set.] Besides such things, how was your trip?

Alex: There wasn't anything else. Can I stay here for a few weeks, Fred?

Fred: naturally. You can stay in room 2 tonight. I think I shall move you to room 3 tomorrow night.

Alex: Why?

Fred: Tonight we will be making room number 3 into a room of worship. (laugh.) Room number 2 will be free, however. After the sacrif- uh- murder of brother Brent last week, we have been praying. And praying. Again and again, every night.

Father Frank: (Enters room, from stairs)

Fred: Oh!! Father!! Let me introduce you to Alex, here!! He'll be staying here tonight. I have a feeling you'll get to know him much better tonight. Please excuse me. I have some things to do. (Leaves up stairs quickly)

Father: Hello, Alex!! Very nice that you are staying with us!! Very nice indeed!!! We haven't had a visitor in, well, a very long time!!! We don't keep track of time here at the monastary!! Let me show you to room number 2!!!

(Shows him to room number two, where he puts down his bag and makes himself comfortable)


(At night. Very dark, in a room with two robed figures worshiping the alatar in the center. Friar Fred walks into the picture, and sits down and begins worshiping.

Lesser Priest: welcome, Friar Frank Furter, high priest of satan, our TRUE Lord!!!

Higher Priest: It is almost time. Do we have a victim?

Lesser priest: Yes. In the room next door.

Higher priest: Good.

Judas Priest: Right Blimey Good!!

(They keep worshiping, scene fades out.)


(Fades into Alex's room. He is reading. He looks up, and leaves the room. Goes into the kitchen. Then begins to make a sandwich. A shadow comes up behind him, with a knife. Looks around slowly. Suddenly:)

Friar Fred: I thought you'd be needing this!!

Alex: Thanks!! Man, for a second I thought you were gonna...

Fred: What?

Alex: Never mind.

Fred: No no!! Really! What were you going to say?

Alex: Well, uh, I thought you were going to, uh, kill me.

Fred: Alex!! Why did you think that?

Alex: Just the way you snuck up.

Fred: Well, don't worry. You're always safe in a monastary. (turns around, smiles, and leaves the room. Alex is left looking out the doorway at the camera, then shakes his head and goes back to the sandwich. Fade out)

(Fade in to Alex's room, Alex is eating his sandwich. Robed figure comes up behind him, grabs him and takes him from the room, into the hall, and up the stairs outside, into the worshipping room, where Alex knocks out the robed figure. Judas Priest comes at him, and Alex kills him after a struggle. Then, when they are both dead, the high priest comes out from the shadows.)

High Preist: So. Alex. Good to see you here. I asked you here for the sacrafice tonight. And, you came. Even if the others didn't. Ha ha ha!! Well, your blood shall be spilled!! (pulls out knife from robe)

(fight begins, Alex gets a bigger knife. Stabbing noises, Laughs, lots of jumping, quite dark, hard to see. finally, they face each other off, and stab each other at the same time, both going "uhhhhh". They fall to the ground, groaning until dead. Fade out to white. Sudden black. Credits, with "Second Coming" by Alice Cooper playing. Then, when the credits are done, all actors stand in their robes with their arms around each other, singing "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay")

Hey, I never said it was a good play, now did I?! :)
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