The world-renowned




You are standing in a mindless expanse of red desert which stretches out for as far as the eye can see. it is red, and it looks like Mars, only you know better because you are still alive. Suddenly two large oak doors appear in the expanse directly in front of you. one door says "Gentlemen". The other oaken door has the legend "Ladies" inscribed upon it. Both words are in gold inlay. The door marked "Gentlemen" is on the left, and it is painted in purple and black diagonal stripes. The other door is painted white, except for pink polka dots which appear random, however, on closer examination, you see that the mindless dots have a twisted logic all their own, much unlike the obvious pattern of the stripes.


You are carrying:

no. you are not wearing footgear of any sort. but you do have a pair of bunny slippers in your pocket. you can put them on, if you like.

>pull cord of zog doll

"No one knows where I am, and I like it that way."

>drop clock. drop elephant toy. drop battery. take off underwear and socks.

You drop the clock and elephant toy. As the clock hits the ground, it screams. When the Elephant reaches it, it briefly nurses the clock and then looks at you accusatorily. They run off together into the distance. The battery is dead already so nothing happens when you drop it. You pull off your socks. In attempting to take off your underwear before your pants you end up giving yourself a terminal wedgie. Maybe you shouldn't have thhrown away the elephant, anyhow.

>pull cord of zog doll.

"I am the king o' slick."

>yank cord of zog doll, hard.

"I am the Mack-Daddy of Free form. And don't yank my cord, you bastard!"

>drop socks and unmatched sock. take off pants. i

Socks and unmatched sock hit the ground and soak into the parched earth. you are now holding your pants.

>drop chip. drop pants. wear underwear on head.

You drop the chip. Traditionally, it would break. But not here! Noooooooo! It hits the ground and suddenly repairs! The pants have been dropped. They too soak into the ground. (If you insist...) You take the underwear off and put them on your head. You fear for sunburn. You see faint lines in the shape of a giant rectangle forming in the desert sand off to your right. They are black, and pulsating. You hear a faint knocking at one of the doors.

>open right door.

nope. Not there. The knocking continues with increased passion.

>enter right door.

Well! The grass is obviously greener on the other side of the door! As you stand in the passageway, you can look at a senseless desert behind you and a mindless expanse of lawn ahead of you. The only thing that is not green that you can see are pink flamingo looking things which stand very still. So still that you imagine they are not alive.

>get flamingo things. pull cord of zog doll.

Oh, but there are so many. You settle on taking five of them. You find they are made of plastic (surprise).
The Zog speaks: "No matter where you go, if you stay long enough, the adventure will find you."

>inventory. N.


You step into the field and you look around. That's right. Nothing but lawn for miles around, with pink flamingoes littering the area. A man stumbles up to you from behind the men's room door. Well, he isn't quite a man. The door, although decorated the same as on the other side, does not say "men". Instead, it says "Wumpi". (wum- pie) Obviously, this is a wumpus you are faced with. He peers at you with his unsheathed eye. (!)
"Hmm. You are not a Wumpus, are you?" the Wumpus inquires.

>Nod energetically. Give flamingoes to Wumpus. Pull Zog doll cord.

He is pleased by your gift! But he is still cun fuuuuuused as to just what you are. "You aren't a Shlemfark, are you?" he asks.
Zog: "A Wumpus is an ineffective, spineless creature with the brain pan of a Jellyroll. However, their counterparts- Terspi, are dangerous creatures, with very short tempers."

>Nod energetically. Skip and hop to the north. Pull cord of Zog doll.

"Okay, well, bye!" he waves apologetically as you skip off. "and thank you for the flamingoes!"
Zog: "I am the King o slick."
A wall suddenly grows in front of you and you slam into it, rather hard, seeing as how you didn't expect it, frolicking as you were.

>bash head into wall.

Apparently, the wall likes head bangers because it takes you into its embrace.

>Huh? I don't understand?

The Wall is hugging you lovingly. With it's arms, you know! Better be careful, though- it's beginning to talk dirty to you.

>kick wall in sensitive spot.  Pull zog cord.

You hurt your ankle.
Zog: "I guess you're fucked now."
Suddenly, from a distance-
"Rufus! Get off of that thing! You're making a scene!"
The wall whimpers and sullenly crawls away.

>Yank zog cord. Run east.

Zog: "Hey! what was I supposed to say? You were about to be raped by a pile of bricks!"
You run east, and east, and east. Finally, you see a promising speck in the distance.

>kick speck, hard. Gently tug cord of Zog doll, then yank it HARD.

You can't reach the speck with your foot! it is in the distance! You pretend to kick it, though, and you say "crunch" in a most satisfying way.
Zog: "Ahhhhhh. That's the way I like FUCK YOU!!!"

>twirl zog doll around on string. stop running. call to speck, inticingly.

Zog: "(pant pant pant pant groan)You are(pant pant groan pant wheeze) such a BaSTarD!!!"
"Oh Speck In The Distance! Ohhhhhhh Speeeeeeeck! In The Distance! Oh Sppeck!"
It appears unmoved. Zog is turning blue.

>stop twirling zog doll. kiss zog doll's feet. dig in ground.

Zog: " There. That's better. "
You dig a fantastic hole and you meet many fascinating worms.

>examine zog doll. get worms.

On its back there is a tag which reads "New Multipurpose All Terrain Batteries Not Included Advice Giving Irritating Joking at Inappropriate Times Solar Powered Pull Cord Talking ZOG™ Doll. Complete with self praising comments." He is wearing a black jacket and levis.
The worms do squirm, but you can get them next turn.

>spit on worms. take off zog doll's jacket.

No effect. You grab a handful of them, and shove them into your shirt pocket. Immediately you hear a chorus of "Are we there yet, Dad? Are we there yet, Dad?
White plastic. Severe tan lines.

>eat zog doll's jacket. dig more. pull cord of zog doll, very very slowly.

You begin to chew for a moment or two
You find it is lacking in flavors that are new
It needs salt, and pepper, onions and spice
And other such things that taste really nice.

You make a further cavity in your fantastic hole.
Zog: "uuuuuuuuuuuuuhaghaughaughauhguhauhguahuhguahgauhgauhga! Oh my fucking god...." A stain grows at the front of his pants.

>Pull cord of zog doll out, then tie in knot. Bury zog in dirt hole.

zog: ";sahjSKDHFfdsa=FADkjADFshSAFahfkd1A2D3h53afFkhdshASDFAfkdAhFfkal!!!" He is unconscious.
You tie the cord in a knot, and you throw Zog into the bottom of your Fantastic Hole. Then you set to work, and your Fantastic Hole turns into a Fantastic Lawn Recovering. You are the sentimental type, though, and you kept his cord as a keepsake.
I think the sun is setting.

>tie worm on end of cord. go fishing in t-shirt pocket.

You catch: A WORM!!!!!!!
This seems to touch a nerve in this world, however, and a giant hotel springs up before you. (east) Purple, red and yellow flourescent lights flash and chase each other on the signs. It advertises itself with a sign behind you-



It is obviously the height in gaudiness. (Real place- it's in New Mexico)

>Heavens to betsy's second cow.  Go east.  Chew on newly caught worm.

You are standing at the door. It is a huge wooden door- ornately decorated with animal bones, skulls and horns.
Before you swallow it, the worm wiggles grotesquely- but it tickles your lower palate, and you nearly laugh it out before you get it down.

>pound on door. smear worms on door. kick door. vomit profusely all over door.

A big fat Genevaded man walks up to the window, and watches you go through your contortions. When he decides that you are done, he opens the door and looks you up and down. "Mabel," he says. "we got a real winner here. I can't tell if he's from California or Kansas."
Mabel walks up, looks you up and down, and she is visibly impressed. Too bad she looks like a cross between a Bison and a pig in heat. "Hey, Plays with the Games! Get over here!" she calls.
A giant Indian walks over with a Gameboy in one hand and a Sega in the other. He bellows: "H O W ?"

>say "like this!". grab game-boy. stuff game-buy in woman's mouth. clap.

the big fat Genevaded man watches all of this cooly, even as the woman finds the need to run away, and the big Indian jumps up and down childishly. The man puts his arm around your shoulder, and walks you off. He says:
"Now, I know you been through some hard times lately, but what it all comes down to is: do you want a room? The rates are good, and so are the rooms."

>stomp on man's foot, hard. say "sure, I'll take one!" politely.

"Well, number 28 is our best suite! We'll bill you in the morning. You don't have any luggage, do you? NAAAAAH. Here, it's right down the hall..."
(he shows you the way.)
You are now standing outside of a door in a hallway with the number 28 written on it in red magic marker.

>look down hallway.

To the east and west, large crowds have gathered to look at the Californian who looks like a Kansan, the legendary figure who defied the dangerously psychopathic Indian Plays with the Games just ten minutes ago in the lobby!
You also notice something else about the hallway. Above each room there is a name of a black & white movie actor with its picture above it.
Rita Hayworth, Ronald Reagan, and Errol Flynn are ones that you can see from here. Above 28- Bela Lugosi.

>look for marilyn monrie written on a door. stomp on people's feet, hard. grin.

People part at your first steps toward them. Just out of sheer malice, you stomp on their feet anyway, even though they are doing their best not to touch you. You grin profusely all over the place. Finally you come to a door- Marilyn Monrie! A picture is above the door, of an unattractive brunette. Down one door is Marilyn Monire, who must have been a Terspi. Behind you, is Marilyn Monroe- a very attractive blonde. However, you were looking for Marilyn Monrie, and that is who you stand in front of.
A Gallon drum of ice cream rolls down the hall, and rests at your feet.

>pour gallon drun of ice cream all over marilyn monroe. break down door.

You aim the open end of the drum at her and make  several lunges. It has the consistency of frozen heinz, however, and refuses to move. You glare at Marilyn. You lunge once more, and it flies out.


It hits her full in the face, and she is surprised.
You kick down Monrie's door to find: A couple making passionate love! They don't seem to notice you, though.

>kick couple, very hard. stomp on couple. lick ice cream off marilyn.

"Yeah, baby."(male)
"OUCH! Stop doing that, Harry!"(female)
She likes it.

>jump up and down on couple. throw marilyn into couple.

"Yeah, yeah!!" "You're really going too far this time! This isn't fun anymore! Stop it."


"What the hell is this Harry? Another woman? I knew it. And a blonde, no less. What's more, she's dead! You are absolutley sick, Harry!"

>examine room.

The room is big. Somewhere along the line, the lights were turned on (probably by Marilyn). It is in a long rectangular shape, with one double bed at each end of the room. there is a bathroom straight ahead (south). There is a woman beating at a man on top of her on the floor. Marilyn Monroe is also on the floor, looking at you admiringly. There is a short, squat retarded man in a purple T-shirt and green sweatpants sitting cross-legged on the bed whom you hadn't noticed before. He is watching the entire scene- although you can't tell whether he is just staring into space.

>tell man "Dude. Burnt." Repeatedly kick couple in collective heads. South.

It seems that he was staring into space, because as soon as you call his attention to reality, he begins laughing and clapping happily.
You kick the woman, but she is too busy beating up her man. The man puts his arms up in defense.
Marilyn is undoing her clothing, but hey, orders are orders. You go South into the bathroom (the door is standing open)


White porcelen. (you know.) White bathtub with White showercurtain. (East) No window. Tiny mirror. No plugs. White sink. (South). White toilet without a lid but thankfully with a seat. (West)

>yank marilyn into bathroom. get in bathtub. shut door.

She squeals and sits on you.

>Goody. have lunch.




White white white. It comes from everywhere. The sink is white, the floor is white, the tub is white, the shower curtain is white, the plugs are white, the lightbulb is white, Marilyn Monroe, who is sitting on top of you, is also white. The door is open, North. There is no window- if there was, it was painted over in white.

>get out from under Marilyn

(Why?) She sulks, and you stand outside the tub, looking at nothing in particular.

>ask Marilyn "aren't you dead?"

"What kind of sicko are you, anyway?"

>turn on water, very hot. i.

You lunge for the tub and the sink, and you turn the water on very hot in both cases.

You are carrying:

>leave room, north.


You are standing in the middle of a large room. To the east, a fat retarded man in green sweatpants and purple T-shirt is clapping his hands loudly and laughing obscenely. There is a man and a woman beating the living crap out of each other at your feet. The bed to the west is unoccupied. A large crowd is standing outside the door to the hall, North, and you spy among them a large Indian wearing a Nintendo T-shirt.

>north. ask indian "how? -do you get past level 6 of Super Gokuh II?"

North. Crowd parts, Indian holds his ground, he braces himself, crouching low, ready for the attack. You ask. "Kill the giant spider by dumping the cocaine frogs on his head! How do you get past the dungeon master in Return of the Zombie VII?"

>crouch low. dance about. tell Indian: "Give him the staplegun under the bowl."
He plays a circle around you as he states: "Wrong! Give him the GLUEGUN! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Now you come with MEEEEEEEEE!!!!" The Indian grabs you and drags you down the hall towards Room 28.

>scream "Wrong! That was the sheriff in Return of the Zombie VIII!!"  Kick.

At your kick, the Nintendo God appears in a flash of light, and stands before you and Plays with Games. The Indian goes down upon his knees. You are confused. The God says:
"I am afraid you have erred, Plays with Games. But, I am ready to forgive. Just let our poor unclothed, ungameclad friend go, and we shall play some Mario Trolls. how about that?"
"Yes. I am sorry, Nintendo God."
"Just don't do it again."
And then they both disappear in a flash of light.
Suddenly you realize the audience is still watching.

>tell audience: "Barney loves you all!" Run out of hotel, fast.

It's a good thing you ran, because at your words, all people within earshot vomited all over the fifty year old carpets. Even the people in the rent-by-the-hour rooms threw up. Even the people on T.V. threw up. Even the statue of Errol Flynn out back threw up.


Everywhere are neon lights
Never have I seen a gaudier sight
Than the El Rancho hotel, in the middle of the night
With horns, whips, and neon lights.

>Walk. RUn. Skip. Jog. Dance. Jig. Jump. Hop. Vomit.


You do all those wonderful happy fun things, with two bad results:
One: you are now incredibly tired, hungry, and you have a bad taste in your mouth. Plus, your testicles really hurt from all that lack of support.
Two: You now find yourself in the Pink Flamingo Plains, home of the friendly Wumpi and feared Terspi. Luckily, there is a door in sight, North.
Unfortunately, a Wumpus wearing a nametag is standing next to you. His breath is rancid, and you feel like vomiting again.

>read nametag

"Doity Dan the Twashcan Man"

>vomit all over wumpus. excuse self.

Vile bile covers you, not him.
"Oh, uh, sorry. I'm prone to do that around disgusting people."

>ask wumpus: "Seen any Terpsi lately?"

His nearly toothless grin widens and he shoots at you in a barely intgelligible voice, making sure you get to smell every single word:
"Not around here, stuh rain jer, but thar izzz ah fahhhn dooor up North!"

>open door.

You open the door that says "Wumpi" on it. Beyond the door is a vast expanse of desert. Why you didn't see that before I'll never know.

>shove Wumpus through door. slam door.

You are now alone, having sent Doity Dan the Twashcan Man through the door into the Mojave desert.

>put key in lock.

It is in.

>lock door.

The door disappears, leaving you holding the key.

>swallow key

Mmmmm Mmmmm good. Needs oregano, you think.

>look for a place to go.

Right here is fine! No one for miles....


You now smell bad, and are prone to infections, unless you use that shirt.

>use that shirt!!

You use that shirt! Now you neither smell bad nor are prone to infections.
Of course, your shirt has now inherited those conditions. You should have asked it if it had a problem with shit sticking to its fur.

>dig hole. bury shirt.

The shirt writhes in agony and fear. It screams things about not wanting to be buried alive, and reminds you of your Zog doll.
The shirt has gone under.

>wonder if perhaps the interpreter would mind switching places.

Well, we are in the middle of nowhere, and since this story is out of hand anyway, why not?


Twang!  You turn into The Skottster!
Suddenly, a purple worm explodes from the fresh mound of sod at your feet and asks "seen my nose?"

>say "Yes, just the other day. He called himself Fred and complained of the hay. The fever brought on, it made him sneeze. He didn't like it and got killed by a bee."

"Oh shit!" replies the worm, in a rather nasal voice.  It slithers off to the south.
A small unpainted wooden shack springs up in a cloud of sand to the north, in such a fury that you would think it was trying not to be seen appearing. 
The door is labeled "Funky" in gold inlay.

>say "OOOOOOoooooo!" And walk inside.

Upon hearing it's mating call, a blue-throated flying Yak zooms in from 1000 feet, only to blast itself into the sand a few yards to the left of you due to a radar-tracking error.  As you watch, the small dish located on it's protruding hindquarters slowly stops spinning.
When the dust clears, you make as if to walk into the shack, but only hear a loud "thump" as "yknuF" is tatooed on your forehead.  Care to open the door?

>Yes, in fact, I do.

You pull open the door.  The door, not used to being opened, creaks loudly just before shattering into a pile of chunky splinters, which distribute themselves on your feet.  The splinters seem to spell out "DONT GO IN"

>Say: "Look, Charlotte, it spells a word!" And go forward.

The splinters fly off in all directions at the mention of "Charlotte".


What appeared to be a shack from the outside was actually a criogenic storage lab.  Jets of steam shoot from leaky, frozen pipes.  Through the vapor and twisting metal you make out six glass sleeping compartments along the northern wall.  A control box is on the east wall, and a hallway leads off to the west- into darkness.

>Wake them up.

Wake who up?
You hear clanking from the west.

>Groan at the West

"HHrrrnmNanoaah!" you say, into the dark western hallway. 
The clanking abruptly ceases, and is replaced by a retching sound.

>Say: Joe! That you?

The retching sound trails off and is replaced by a faster series of clanks, and a few thumps.


But it's dark!  You might get eaten by a grue.
The control panel on the east wall beeps, and the exit behind you seals up. Now the only illumination is from the flickering white lights overhead.

>Run headlong into the east wall. beeps are not good.

You slam your head into the east wall- but not before you get the breath walloped out of you by the edge of the protruding control panel.  The flashing continues.  You now see a small screen on the control panel.
The beep continues beeping, indignant.

>look screen

The screen reads: THREE UNITS LEAVING STORAGE IN 3 MINUTES. You hear more hisses than before, along the northern wall.


You smack your forehead painfully again, into the rightmost frost-obscured storage chamber.  Frost develops on your forehead and you stagger about aimlessley.  The steam from the other storage units increases exponentially, and the room is almost filled with white vapor.

>Sit back and dig it.

Reeling as you are, you sit rather sideways and end up sprwaled out on the floor, still trying to make everything coherent again.  You are lost on a cloud of water vapor, smelling of raunchy hospital antiseptic.
You attempt to dig it but can only flail your hands about about your head in confusion.

>wait until recovery

Time passes...
Most of the steam clears away, and when you regain your senses you sit up to see three storage pods standing open, and three figures standing around blinking.

>jump up. Offer hand for shaking. say: "I am Doctor Wizzlerockfrass from the country of Bavaria. I have let you folks out, and I would also like to say that I am pleased beyond a droggletooth glit that we are all standing here today. And what are your names?". Look people.

?EXTRA -accepted (but don't let it happen again)
You leap up and hold out your hand, rather dizzily, and make your statement.
The rightmost figure is none other than Sigourney Weaver, in a tight spandex thong.  The middle figure is none other than Moe, of Three Stooges fame, in a sweatsuit.  The leftmost figure is Ace, of MerryoTrolls fame, his hair flaming about his head in a gravity-defiant style, wearing a white kimono with a strange symbol on the breast.  They all stare at you, quizzically.
"Who's this joik?" says Moe.
"You advenced press?" asks Mz.Weaver.
Ace yawns sleepily.

>Say to Moe: "Oh, a whyyyyyyyse guy, eh?" and fist him on the head.

"Wha'd I do? Wha'd I do?" demands Moe, angrily.
"If you're advanced press, who sent you?" asks Mz.Weaver, doing some streching excercises, twisting the spandex thong all about.
"Wherez my GS?" wonders Ace, procuding a hanky from a pocket in the kimono and wiping his face with it.  You notice the hanky has a "hello kitty" motif on it.

>To Mz Weaver: "Tricky Dick of the Penile Press"

"Get out of here then!" says Mz.Weaver.  "I'm busy enough on this set!"  She walks out of the room, down the west hallway. Moe follows her, rubbing his head and watching her ass.
Ace puts away the hanky.  "Nice outfit!" he says.  He walks to the west, still sleepy looking.
To the west you hear: "Do those legs go all the way up? Nyuk Nyuk!" followed by a very loud slap and a scream of "Wha'd I say?  Wha'd I say?!"

>Shrug and follow the three stooges west.

You shrug to nobody in particular.


This is a large circular room with computer displays and controls lining the walls.  In the middle is a very impressive command center, extending from the ceiling to the floor, making the room rather doughnut shaped.  Ace is sitting in the single chair of this supercomputer with what appear at first glance to be a pair of headphones around his ears.  Moe is sitting at a small table on the northern wall, drinking coffee and looking sullen.  Ripley (might as well call her that by now) is sitting in a chair near the southern wall, calling up complex displays and lists of dangerous equipment.  There is another hallway leading west, on the other side of the doughnut shaped room from you.

>Sit down at Moe's table. Engage in friendly conversation.

"SO, what's it like being a ... stupid person?" you ask, as cheerfully as possible.
Moe reaches across the table and pours his coffee all over your underwear-clad head, making the underwear rather soggy.  "NYEAH!" he says, and goes to re-fill his cup at the dispenser on the wall.
You hear MOD-like music coming from Ace's headfones.
"Well, we've arrived as Beta-Delta-Smegma-twelve" announces Ripley, fingering a pack of cigarettes she seems to have produced from her spandex thong.

>To Ripley: "That was neat. Were you hiding it up your ass?"

Ripley frowns, presses a few buttons, and the automatic sprinkler system above your head activates momentarily, covering you in green froth.  She strides over and plants the cigarettes in your underwear.  "For a Doctor you sure are an idiot."
Ace taps keys, and Moe sips coffee.  Ripley returns to her terminal thingie, and continues inventorying supplies.

>say: "Hey, maybe that green stuff will loosen this glue on my head!"

Everyone ignores you, but Ace gives you a funny glance.  He really seems to be enjoying his supercomputer.
You hear clanks from the west.

>Say:"Well, whaddya expect? I'm a doctor, not a chemist!" west.

But it's dark!  You might get eaten by a grue!  Ha ha!
The clanks increase in frequency.
"Whazzat?" asks Moe, cupping his hand to his ear.
"What's what?" asks Ripley.
Ace hears nothing.

>laugh in expectation. beep mercilessly.

Ripley gives you a funny look.
"I think I'll check that out" says Moe, and walks to the west.
You hear light tittering to the west, and the clanks increase in frequency again.
Ace pulls off his headfones and looks to the west, where Moe went.  He begins counting down from ten on his fingers, patiently.
"Stop beeping!" says Ripley, glaring at you with bloodshot eyes.

>begin farting

You attempt to reproduce the national anthem with your buttocks.  The only one who might be impressed by your fascinating flatulence is in the west hallway, out of earshot.
Abruptly you hear an alien screeching noise and a loud crunch to the west, just as Ace reaches his last finger.  Satisfied, he puts his headfones back on and continues typing as a very large alien creature staggers in from the west hallway, grimacing with a million transparent teeth, holding one six-fingered hand over each eye and jabbering angrily in some alien language.  The creature is pursued by a gore-splattered Moe, who is making eye-forking gestures with his remaining arm.  "Nyuk nyuk!!" he screams, excitedley.  "Nyuk Nyuk!!"
"oh SHIT!" screams Ripley, (finally), jumping up from her chair.
Ace is still oblivious.

>Waltz up to the creature. say "OOOOOOOooOOoOooo! Aren't you Cuuuuute?"

You waltz up to the alien, the waltz steps matching the staggering pattern of the beast for some strange reason.  Upon saying "OOOOOOOooOOoOooo" you are knocked off your feet as a big brown blur whizzes in from the west hallway and collides with the alien, splattering it and itself into the side of Ace's supercomputer.  With a loud crackling noise, the computer dies and the screen goes black.  Ace removes his headfones and pouts.
Ripley, in what was an attempt to selflessley and stupidly tackle the alien beast, flies through the air where the alien was only moments ago- only to catch her spandex thong on a pleasantly protruding pipe and collide with the bleeding Moe buck naked, knocking them both to the floor.
"Woo woo!" screams Moe delightedley, cramming his fingers between Ripley and himself for a grope.
"Aaaaargh!" screams Ripley.
"Aren't you Cuuute?" you say, getting up and dusting yourself off.

>Help Moe

In your attempt to grab Moe’s hand and help him up, you get to play touchie-feelie with Ripley.  She does not take this lightly and kicks you in the kneecap.  She manages to gain her feet and stagger over to the table on the northern wall.
"Sankya" says Moe, whose shoulder stump has miraculously stopped bleeding.  He looks at the conglomeration of yak and alien guts plastered up and down Ace's wrecked toy and vomits all over it, adding to the mixture.
Ace is now playing with a GS+ portable terminal.
A voice echoes: "Go west young man, go west!"  The lights in the west hallway flicker on.


You walk down the hallway and arrive at a large industrial size elevator, which is open.  Inside the elevator booth you see a large row of buttons, with funky markings on them.
From the east you hear a series of very loud slaps and a "nyuk nyuk" or two.

>Call east: "Merry breakfast to all, and to all a good fight!" Enter Elevator. Press buttons madly.

?EXTRA -accepted, but for the last bloody time!


You are standing in a very large, drab, grey elevator. To the west you hear: "Stop it, you damned stooge!" slap! slap!
You hear Ace's voice: "Shut up you two!  I'm leaving for Japan first chance I get!"
Seeing a large row of buttons on the wall next to the door, you cannot resist pressing them madly.  The doors creak shut and you go- diagonally! 



opens North.
A smoky bar faces you. A man with a beret and a goatee is peeking in on you curiously. He looks back behind him and yells (to his friends, presumably): "Hey guys, dig this shit! This cat's wearin' his undies like a hat! And he's naked as a bird, too! Dig it!" He laughs, and steps into the elevator with you. He extends to you a very thin, irregularly shaped cigarette.
"I 'spect yo' won't be needin' this shit, but dig it anyhow."
You seem to have traveled in time to the year 1952.

>take cigarette.  shake man's hand.  say "Yew kin call me Stinky!"

"It's a pleasure, man. But are you sure you need that shit? You seem pretty messed up, where you is now. How long yo' been in dat closet?"

>say "'bout fifty million centuries!"  exit elevator.

The man throws back his head and utters a long, hearty laugh.
"Yeah man, I like you. Name's Joe. Give you some clothes, too, if you want 'em."
I see no elevator here.

>say "no, no clothes for me!"  exit closet

"I hear ya, I hear ya." He looks around, and with an air of confidentiality, he whispers: "Now, don't you go tellin' no one, but ev're now and again, I myse'f feel the urge to strut 'round naked as a bird."
The man steps out of your way as you exit the closet.
"Good thing this is a party, 'cause if it were a bar, they'd probably have ya tossed in the box 'fore you can say 'whooh my! It be gettin' a bit drafty in here!'."


The air is filled with smoke, mainly the aromatic variety which comes from the kind of cigarrette you now hold. This room is filled with jazz afficionados, many donning berets and goatees like Joe, many carrying books. Yet others (men, mainly) are trying to coax others (mainly women) into one of the adjacent rooms. A poster of Marilyn Monroe is prominent on the far wall. A small jazz ensemble is performing in the back of the room. A very fat man is scatting and dancing.
sorry, bud. Either this is 1952, or you have just stumbled into a very, very strange party.

>"I'd say both".  Jump up onto stage.

I see no stage.

>grab microphone from fat scat.  Sing loud.

"Hey, brother, whatchoo doin'?" the fat man asks, incredulous.
They dig it.
Even the fat man likes it, and he begins to snap his fingers on the odd beats, jiggling and smiling a greaaaaaaat biiiiiiig griiiiiiiiiiin.

>eat microphone.

The fat man stops griiiiiiiiiiinning instantly. He slaps the mike out of your mouth, spatting blood from your gums onto the floor.
"What the hell you tryin'a do, man? I own dat mike!"
The rest of the band stops playing and looks at you with burning hatred in their eyes. The saxophone player looks like he might hit you with his sax. The fat man is burning up with anger, shaking tremulously. The drummer holds his head in his hands, shaking it.
"Je-sus Christ. He went and made "Slim" Jones mad. Now it's over. It's all over. We'll never get another gig. Not if the same thing happens that happened last time. No one's gonna hire us until 19 Christing 73."
Definitely 1952.
The rest of the crowd tightens up, watching the funny looking naked man with coffee-stained underwear on his head face off with An Extremely Large and Angry Fat Man, ostensibly known as "Slim" Jones.
You hear cries of "Check it out", and "He made Slim mad!"

>look slim.  ask "so- what's it like being a .... fat person?". RUN.

(look Slim. What is this shit? This is not a simple two-parser text game! If you want to look at something, say so!) Copyright ???? Infocom adventures
Slim looks really really really really really really really really really mad.
Slim roars and chases you through the crowd, people scattering in all directions to avoid touching Slim. You even see some people diving under couches and coffee tables. (You have run out the only exit, EAST)


On the walls hang many knives, and all about you are OVENS.

>grab a knife, a big one.

Slim begins to run even faster towards you, grabbing a knife comparable in size on the way.

>hold out knife like a lance, at Slim.  charge Slim.  pray.

Slim, in his surmounting desire to spatter you, forgets that anything else, like self-interest, exists.
When the knife goes into his belly to the hilt, his face carries an expression which seems to say: "Frankly, I'm shocked."
When he hits the ground, it makes a noise like:
Then he makes a noise like:
"gwagaaa, gerbungggeeegle."
A large red bubble appears at his mouth. "That's pretty," you think. "Reminds me of that movie, The Red Balloon."
Just then you hear the sound of running water, and a large stocky man appears from a very small room. He looks at Slim.
The bubble pops.
He looks at you. Suddenly, the placid expression on his face erupts into a spitting fury in a language you don't understand.
"Ach! Wer hat den Slim ermoerden? Ich will ihn moeder! Waren es Sie? Ach!"

>offer man knife.  leave room.

"Dankeschoen!" he says. "Jetzt kann ich Sie ermoerden!"
Since you did not specify a direction, I will send you back into the party room, to save me the trouble of describing something new.


People stare at you dumbfounded. You hear things like
"Wow, man."
"He made Fritz mad"
Exits: E,S,N

>go N.


a large oaken door is greeting you to the north. It stands invitingly ajar.
To the east, there are shut doors. These don't look friendly.
To the west, there are more shut doors. These look even less friendly.
All the walls are made of material which looks like mahogany. It is polished so well that you can see yourself sweating.

>open east doors. open west doors. hop north.

You open the doors, and hop straight into a heavy oaken door.
It moves somewhat, though, and you find yourself laying on this house's very large porch. A nice little swing built for two is at the far side, east, sitting in the snow like you are.


>stand up, sprint north.  I.


You are carrying:

>look street!!

But, off to the east, there does appear to be a very warm, friendly cottage. It looks very Germanic.

>oh, what the heck.  east.

you are now standing in front of the friendly cottage, shivering.

>knock on door.  say "open up!  this is tricky Dick of the Penile Police!"

A shapely woman answers the door. She crosses her legs demurely, and puts one arm up against the doorframe, which she leans on.
"Oh no. Not Scotts Valley police."

>say "actually, I lied.  I am Hugh G. Rection of the Good Old Spam Boys(tm)"

"Oh, well, in that case..."
she grabs you and drags you into her bedroom.
"We're going to have to be careful- my dad's sort of old-fashioned, and he doesn't speak any English. Right now, though, he's busy working at a party down the street."
She removes the rest of her clothing.

>examine woman in minute detail. ask "so, who are you??"

examination: wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow
"I am Br- do you promise not to laugh?"

>promise not to laugh.

"Alright. Broomhilda-helga Olga Scharfelpurfenuntenueger."

>laugh, hard.

She pouts. "Oh, come here, you bastard."

----------- S E V E R A L   D A Y S   E L A P S E ----------

You are smiling. And warm, too.

>i. look.

You are carrying:
It's dark. But, it feels like you're in a bed of some sort. You can hear someone else's breathing in the room.

>feel around in bed.

hmmmm. hhhmmm. HHHHHHMMMMM! What's this?
how friendly.
"Come on! It's two in the morning! Can't a girl get any sleep?"

>say "no."  try to exit bed.

"I mean, we've been doing it for SIX DAYS STRAIGHT! I mean, can't we catch any sleep?"
The bed refuses to let you go, sticky as it is.

>thrash around.  crawl under bedsheets.  search for alternate exit.

As it turns out, all that was unnecessary, because the door to Broomhilda's room is suddenly thrown open, sillhouetting a short, stocky figure wielding a knife in one hand and wearing a hat which looks like a cauliflower stalk.
"Wer hat sich meine Tochter gefickt?"

>hide under Broomhilda

Broomhidla says: "Ach, Vati. Halt den Mund. Da sind niemand. Schlafen Sie jetzt. Wir werden in Morgen erzaehlen."
Much to your relief, the form says:
"Bis Morgen, dann. Ich bin muede, und vielleicht eine kleine hysterisch. Guten Nacht." and closes the door.
"Guten Nacht, Vati."
When the footsteps die away down the hall, 'helga' whispers to you: "you better get out of here by dawn. My father wakes up early!"

>disregard warning.  fuck Broomhilda.


>Exit bed, fast.  say "Cripes!  I'm late for work!  Remember- keep your filthy mitts out of that cereal box!"

she says: "Come again, soon!"
you immediately begin running into things, dark as it is.
I guess you find the door, eventually.


the hall is thickly carpeted under your feet. This thing looks like a castle from in here. Paintings and disgustingly ornate candelabrum (which are illuminating this hall) are festooned upon the walls. You also notice that the far west wall is covered with fourteen shelves of beer steins. The steins are clambering over each other to get your attention.
did you forget your underwear?

>grab a stein or three.  ignore absence of underwear. e.

the steins hug you. you think "cool" and go east.


Just as the candelabrum were disgustingly ornate, the banisters here are obsceneley ornate. Gargoyles grin at you from every couple feet, between the posts that keep the banister up. Flowers and trees and birds and bees are carved everywhere. You think to yourself: "man, this must be a bitch to dust."

>down stairs.  poke at gargoyles.

Your poking elicits some very unusual reactions from them.
Some giggle. some bite. some snarl. some die. some hug your leg. some hump your legs.
fortunately, they all take leave of you once you leave the stairs- apparently, that is where their domain ends.


To the south is a modest oaken door, the one you came through nearly a week ago. To the north, stand two doors. One is purple, with stripes. It says: Men. The other has pink polka dots. It says: Women.


You hear stomping from upstairs.
So!  Pick a door?

>go through door labeled "women"
You step through the pink, polka-dotted door. Behind you there comes the sound of footsteps on a stairway, accompanied by shouts of "Ach! Ficken Sie mich nicht meinen Bein!" just before the door closes with a 'click'!  Leaving you standing in:

SMALL CLOSET #733877398

This is, of course, a cramped dark closet with many many many many articles of clothing trying to wrap themselves around you.  They are jostling your three steins, which seem to be keeping their spirits up (pun?) by singing a german drinking song quietly to themselves.  You see a line of light on the floor to the north.

>give self to the highest bidder

blabadablababdbalbdbaSOLD to the jacket with the michael-jackson glitter thingies!  The jacket squeals with delight and wraps itself all the way around you.  You once again have pockets, strange lumpy ones at that. Your three steins disappear into one of the pockets.  All the other articles of clothing begin to whine.
You hear beeping and buzzing noises to the north.

>open door. beep and buzz in imitation. try to be INCONSPICUOUS

You see no door.
You beep and buzz in imitation of the sounds you hear.
It requires a colossal effort to beep and boop and still remain inconspicuous. You try to blend in as best you can with the other articles of clothing, and the whining gets quite loud.  Soon the beeping noises from the north stop, but you continue to beep.  WOOPS. You hear a quiet thump from the north, and all the garments either hold their breath or whimper in suspenseful unison.

>cringe in corner of closet

You would, but you can't locate the corners.
You hear footsteps approaching from the north.
Soon these damn garments will make you deaf with all the whimpering.

>yell "I came out in Narnia, I did! Ya got'ta bleeve m', suh!"

The line of light along the floor explodes gleefully upward as the northern wall opens to reveal that it was a door all along- ha ha.  The garments gasp with fright and wither away to dust.  You are now covered in dust, which doesn't help your english accent.
Ace is standing there, holding a knob, looking at you strangely.  "Narnia, eh?  Well you're fucked now!  Welcome to JAPAN!"
He gestures for you to exit the closet.

>exit closet. say "I saw Aslan, I did! He was a lion, and he ruled Narnia, he did! And we defeated the Snow Queen, him and me, we did!"

You are standing in a Japanese apartment, huge by Japanese standards. You can actually stand all the way up. You see a closed door on the western wall.  No, wait, the door IS the western wall.  You are standing on Alex's bed, since it consumes all the floor space.  There are interesting shelves on the northern wall (the northern wall IS a shelf) and a TV is the eastern wall.  Alex is watching the tv.

>say "what c'n I do f'ya, m'guvner?". look around carefully

Alex says "Hrmph."  This does you no good.
The first thing you notice is the huge amount of miniscule Japanese Porno Comic Books lining the northern wall/shelf.  Among the many many books you see several cans of a drinks called "Pocari Sweat" and "Aquarius Neo"  An expansive collection of CDs is also scattered about, including titles such as "King Fucker Chicken Avengers VII music", "Shonen Knife: the christmas special" and "Karaoke songs to commit Hari-Kari to".
The television, you notice, is an ultra large screen digital 16384x12480 Sony MINDWASTER, and it has a Super Famicom cartridge slot built into it.
Alex's bed is unmade and kind of sticky.
There is a Loudness poster on the ceiling (about the size of a postage stamp, so it can fit all the way on.)
Among the books that do not interest you (and porno comics that do not make yo any smarter) is a book titled Alexspeke:English Translation.  Ah-ha!
"HrnGH!" mutters alex, and flips through fifty channels in the blink of an eye, stopping on a re-run of Legend of the OverFeind III

>Get Alexspeke:English translation book.  noticing porno comics, say "Oh, you like sex, aye? I oughta introduce ya to a lady I met back in 1952! We 'ad sex for one week straight, we did.". Noticing music:  "Oh! So ya like music, aye?" do song and dance: "I'm a mother pheasant plucker; I pluck mother pheasants ; I'm the most pleasant ; Mother pheasant plucker ; To ever pluck a mother pheasant." Bow deeply.

Ahhh!  As you reach out for the book, it disappears and you absorb the knowledge within!  Hah!
Alex grunts, and you interpret it as: "Ahhh.  Like sex is a major understatement.  Here in Japan, though, you can just put on some VR goggles and a VR jockstrap and things get REALLY funky!"
Alex grunts and shifts his weight.  This means: "That's a pretty phucked up poem.  You should hear that Shonen Knife CD I've got, Summertime Booger."
You bow deeply, and manage to knock your head on the ceiling.  You topple over onto the bed.  Uh oh.  Alex chuckles.  "You're stuck there, bub."

>exclaim: "'oly shit! You ain't gonna try nothing funny, aye?"

Alex: "Wellllllll...."
He appears to visibly consider this for awhile.  You see in the background the television set, which is showing a grinning anime girl, chained to a slab,  with long tubes stuck into her breasts. An evil scientist is holding a box of cereal aloft, with a picture of a bowlful of nipples on it.  Words flash, subliminally: BUY NOW BUY NOW BUY NOW. The scientist caclkes and holds aloft a sign with many many numbers on it, indicating the price in yen.
"Well I guess not." says Alex, finally, to your relief.  He taps the bedsheets in a certain spot and they writhe, and release you from their grasp.  You stand up, knocking your head in the ceiling, and almost fall back down.
"Follow me." says Alex, standing all the way up but strangely not hitting the ceiling.  He opens the western door (wall) and walks through it.

>"si, senor. andelay, andelay!"

Alex grabs you by the arm and yanks you through.
You find yourself in.....................................


If you thought Alex's bedroom was small, prepare to be depressed.
There is just enough floor space for your and Alex's feet.  There is a picture on the wall but it happens to be between your eyes, so you can't see it at all.  The ceiling consists of a single light bulb.  The southern wall is a window, and the northern and eastern walls are doors.
Alex gestures for you to go through the northern door. 

>say "shika-ricka-linkgoop dang!".smile. jump. click heels. wink. ask for cigar

At the lyrics, Alex says "Grunt".  Translation: "Grunt".
You grin.  Alex, his grin everpresent, grins broader.
You jump, and break the lightbulb, and get shocked by the filaments.  You shouldv’e worn your underwear!
You'd click your heels, but you cannot MOVE YOUR FEET.
You wink, and knock the picture off the wall.  It lands on your feet and the frame shatters.  Glass is now between your toes.  Happy!
Alex grunts "Hah!  Smoking in Japan?  It'd displace too much air! People would die!!" and gestures for the northern door again. "Of course, they do it anyway."

>i. North. say to Alex: "Does your wife go? does she, eh? wink wink, nudge nudge? eh? eh?"

You are carrying:

You bang into the northern door, before you can even move your head.
Upon hearing this, Alex grunts: "which one?" He again gestures for you to go through the nortern door.

>laugh insanely. yodel. open north door.

You cackle insanely.  Alexs' grin widens even more.
You yodel.  Immediately, you hear a loud series of thumps from all the walls, including the wall that is a window, and year loud cussing in fast Japanese.  Alex translates: "Shut the fuck up you god-forsaken yodeling asshole!"
Hmm. Even the Japanese have their limits, huh?
You cannot open the northern door, for you cannot move your arm. Hah!
Alex looks impatient.

>clench teeth. close eyes tightly. scream with mouth shut. say "can't move!"

You clench your teeth.  Alex looks at you expentantly.
You close yout eyes tightly.
You scream.  Surprisingly, no knocks are heard from the walls.  No shouting.  Hm!
Alex hears your plea and opens the northern door.  You do not see how, for your eyes are closed.  He then yanks you through the door, to the north.
It's dark.
You hear rattling chains, and high pitched whimpering.

>say "are we dead yet, Thad? Are we dead yet, Thad?" laugh. in Australian accent: "By the looks of the sun, I'd say it's half past that time again!"

At your first line, you hear a grunt that translates to: "Not quite, and don't call me Thad.  Welcome to my secret headquarters!"
It's dark.  You hear another rattling chain, and the high pitched whimper is joined by another.
At your second line, you hear a grunt that means: "Wrong!  It's a quarter past!  hah!  Now watch this!"
It's dark.  You hear a BZT sound of electricity, and several small motors whirring.  Behind it you hear many whimpers, and a high-pitched scream.

>open eyes. say: "Oh, Mamby! It's so dreadful hot these days!" look sophisticated.

You open your eyes.  Ahhh!


You are in an immense cavern, not unlike the Bat-CaveTM.  The northern wall is dominated by an IMMENSE supercomputer, with a 5000-key keyboard densely packed with kanji symbols and other symbols you don't recognize.  There are panels of switches, panels of dials, panels of LED readouts, and all sorts of funky gadgetry that you could not even begin to guess the functions of.
Many, many television monitors (HD of course) line the northern wall, up near the ceiling.  All of them are off, except for one, which, by the title digitally written in the corner of the screen, is playing an old anime episode of "Sexually Torturing and Disfiguring Japanese Schoolgirls for Sport: A Tutorial."  The picture currently shows an anime schoolgirl (you can tell by the blue sailor skirt) strapped topless to a large mechanical elephant, with a phallus for a trunk.  Several other anime schoolgirls have lie dismembered beneath the elephant, and as it continues to stomp, more Anime Japanese SchoolgirlsTM march in from the left to be gored by the phallus and mashed into lunchmeat.
Typical Saturday morning fare.
You are standing outside the door you came in, which is currently shut.  Lord knows how you went through it, it's the size of a postage stamp. You are facing north. Between you and the screen is a very impressive and jet-black automobile of unknown design.  Alex is sitting at the supercomputer, tapping the Kanji symbols faster than your eyes can see.
To your comment, he grunts: "Maybe you should get some clothes.  Use the matter arranger to the left." he points to a nondescript panel of switches on the side of the supercomputer.

>say:"oh, thank ya, suh, fer of'ren to befrondle me in fabulously frivolous frocks of frippery! thank ya fer berobe'in me in raiments!" notice movie. Yell: "CARTOONS!" drop to floor. squirm on floor while jacking off.


To your (chopped) comment, Alex says: "Oh, stop acting so goddamned insane and put on the damned clothing!"
The picture on the screen changes to a Anime SchoolgirlTM
Generic Saturday morning fare.

>befrondle self in fabulously frivolous frocks of frippery

You must first create them, with the matter arranger.
Alex continues to tap furiously.  You see wisps of smoke coming from his head.
The picture on the screen changes yet again, this time a close shot of the cliff base.  Lemmings are everywhere, filling the ocean.  Now anime girls have joined in the swim, and are being devoured by the lemmings.  More anime girls rain from the sky.  It's getting messy.

>go to matter arranger. create three fabulously frivolous frocks of frippery.

You walk up to the panel Ace referred to, and gaze at it in awe.
It has many, many, many, many, many, satan, many, many dials and knobs on it.
There is a large square with a handle on it that resembles an oven door, as well.
You do not know how to create three fabulously frivolous frocks of frippery. Now would be a good time to find an instruction manual, eh?!
The picture changes yet again, to show a single anime girl sitting on a chair. She is reading from a book. "Meine Zaehner Rennt" she says.
A huge tube of toothpaste crashes down upon her head, smashing her skull like a hard candy and spraying brains like tapioca pudding.  Her black shoes twitch erratically.

>search for instructions to the matter arranger.

You look in your coat.  You look at Alex.  He ignores you.  You look under the vehicle, but it seems to be resting completely on the floor.  No luck there.  You look up, and see only blackness.  You look between your eyes.  This makes you dizzy.  You stumble back and smash into the vehicle.  There is a loud "DING!" and a panel opens up in the vehicles' hood.  There is a book resting in it.
Alex continues to type.  Funny thing is, there's no monitor or tv screen or anything in sight, he's just staring off into space-- and typing!!  Hrmph!
More and more tubes of toothpaste fall onto the Anime SchoolgirlTM, until she is obscured by toothpaste tubes.  The picture wavers for a bit, and the tubes of toothpaste all melt, making a incredible swamp.

>Examine the book. Take a moment to absorb the knowledge within, no matter what it is.

You reach out and touch the book. *poof*
As you absorb the knowledge, the book disappears.
The television changes again, to show an Anime SchoolgirlTM lying on a thick, green, multi-stained rug.  Two hands come in at odd angles to squeeze her reflective, galvanized (typically anime) breasts.  The camera zooms out to show that the hands belong to another Anime girl, this one suspended upside-down from the ceiling by a long green rope.  Due to the angle of the camera, we can see right between the legs of this second anime girl, which are forced apart by an extremely large green dildo.  Is this the green-room-episode?  Who can tell.  Japanese Anime Schoolgirl AnimatorsTM are unconcerned with both reality and physics.

>loudly praise the animators' clever obfuscation of reality. look in rearranger

You do so.  Alex blithely (or at least externally) ignores you.  His fingers continue to fly.
You open the door of the rearranger to discover a book, resting on a dull metal tray!  Ah- hah!
The camera zooms out again, to show that the second anime Schoolgirl was not, in fact, suspended from the ceiling- but from another anime Schoolgirl!  The rope is tied to another green dildo, shaped like a banana, which the third anime girl is straining to hold between her legs.  Her blue hair obcures half the view, and her arms go up to disappear off the top of the screen.  You hear proper accompanying sound-effects.  My, my, my.  They don't mention this in the tourbooks.
Alex reaches up and turns off the tv.  Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.

>say: "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww." absorb knowledge in new-found book.

Upon hearing its mating call, a blue-throated albino yak zooms in from the darkness above to smash head-on into the western wall with an extremely loud cruching noise, making a bloody mess.  That was almost as entertaining as the Anime flick. As you watch, the small radar dish poking up out of the pile of guts and fur on the floor stops spinning, showing that the yak is very, very dead.
You reach into the metal enclosure and touch the book. *poof*

>Salute Alex. say: "Jean is like Jesus. He stands in an aura of white light." Enter vehicle. look

You salute Alex.  He does not notice.  But he does belch in a timely fashion.
You recite this line to Alex.  He scowls.  Hmmm!  A strange reaction from the ever-smiling Alekusu!
You tap lightly on the roof of the vehicle and it opens up.  You sit down into the cushy comfy drivers' seat, which spans the horizontal length of the car.  There is one large button on the otherwise blank panel before you.
The vehicle door closes with a click and an automatic voice says: "Thank you for entering." and cackles madly until it dies out.


>press button

Using your recently absorbed knowledge, you press the button, knowing it will start this vehicle. It asks, in its irritatingly cheery voice: "Destination, please!"

>say "anywhere with lots of freckles!"

The car instantly says: "Thank you for entering your destination. Prepare to be beaten into unconsciousness."

>say "no, no! Wait! AAAGH!" poke button.

Your button-poking is futile.
"Just kidding!" the machine cackles hysterically. "Got'cha that time, eh?"

>say "VERY FUNNY, you damned machine!" make machine find me some spam.

The machine says: "Well, sir, I don't think you are going to need food. Didn't you read the manual? You get put to sleep as soon as you enter a destination. The jokes were my idea, of course.
"Please relax on the couch while the gas is administered."

>jump around in seat.  tell machine "I've changed my mind. Take me to the zoo!"

Five large steel hands like Inspector Gadget's come out of the walls. The machine has identified you as a lively sort, and holds you down with four of the hands while giving you gas with the remaining hand.
you do not know how long, though, when you wake up.
The machine is quick to inform you, though.
"You have been asleep for exactly twelve minutes and thirty-four seconds. We have materialized in the parking lot.
"Welcome to the zoo."


You are in the vehicle. There is a door to the outside to your right.

>say "No, no, I wanna go to Skot's house!" grin evilly. clap.

Procedure for putting you asleep recommences.
"You have been asleep for twenty-two hours. We have materialized in the parking lot.
"Welcome to Skot's house."

>tell vehicle "you really suck, you know that?"  Exit vehicle, quick.

"thank you, sir." The machine mulls this over for a bit. By the time it figures out what you mean, you are knocking on Skot's front door.
His little brother Shaun answers the door, with several pens behind his ears and wearing lots of clothes which have obviously been stolen from Skot. He carries a paper in his hand, which has a drawing of his idea of a typical eighteenth-century hairpeice. It is horribly ornate.
He sees you, and utters a long, high warble at the top of his voice.
"Skot," he warbles. "Garote's here!" He then bounces back to the lay down in front of the television set, where he was in the first place.

>ask Shaun "Hey, you ever move from that spot, bub?" look.

He appears insulted. "Shut up!"
The house is dark. Clever lighting has never been the Johnson's strong suit.
You are facing north, on a carpet. To the east, there is a hallway. To the west, there is the "Living Room", with a piano, two couches, a table, a television set (which, although a sitcom is being played upon it at volume 3456 no one seems to be paying any attention to it), and Skot's little brother Shaun, laying inverted on the ground, drawing intently. Skot's dad is sitting upon the couch, writing stuff on a clipboard. North, there is an unfinished wall. You can see straight through the beams. Northwest is the "dining room". Skot's mother is at the table, playing cards. To the Northeast, you see what appears from here to be a kitchen. Southeast is a stairwell, up from which the form of Skot appears, dressed in a pair of shorts, (with Tasmanian Devil socks) a red, black, and white serape, and a Sombrero.
He says: "It's fun being a computer. Better be nice to me, man. You notice how no one cared that you are wearing nothing but a coat? That was all my doing. And I can change it, just. Like. That."
He snaps, and everyone looks very shocked at you. He snaps again, and they resume their normal behavior. Skot grins.
"Isn't that cool?" he says.

>Agree wholeheartedly.  Shake Skot's hand furiously.  Ask: "Is Sean an alien?"

"Now he is!" Skot laughs, and snaps. Shaun turns green and sprouts eye stalks.
The funny thing about it is, no one seems to notice or care!!!!
"Do you want clothes, or something?" Skot asks.

>say "yes, clothing would be helpful.  Something with many many pockets."  Poke Shaun.  Poke him again, a bit harder.  Cringe.

Skot snaps, and you are bedecked in the clothing of your choice: Something with lots of pockets.
You now wear a pair of underwear with three secret compartments, socks with pockets, shoes with two pockets on each side, and a shirt and pair of pants made from old pockets sewn together. You find on your head a large stovepipe hat, green. It, too, has numerous pockets, outside and in.
One of his eye stalks retreats into his head, like a slug.
He spews green fluid at you.
Your cringe is well timed. You neatly avoid the spew.
Skot is in a whimsical mood, and he snaps. Suddenly a hillbilly appears, and begins to scat.

>Take off hat.  Give hat to hillbilly.  Kick Sean, hard.

"Well, thankata-rantka-dinkity doo to you, too!"
Shaun farts.

>Push scatting hillbilly into Sean.  Tell Skot "They make a fine couple, eh?  nudge nudge?"

Skot laughs. "Heh." he says.
Shaun doesn't seem to like the hillbilly very much. His tendrils are flailing wildly and his eyes are retreating. A low warble emits from his anenome-like body, which signals that he is about to blind his attacker with oil.

>duck.  Tell Skot: "So, how's the night life around here!?"

Shaun spews his attacker. The hillbilly wipes it from his eyes and examines it. He lifts his old hat from the ground, and throws it in the air. He then slaps his knee. He yells:
"Hot shit! Black Gold!"
"It's been great, ever since I became the computer! You should've seen the pussy I had over here last night!"

>say: "Oh?  Can I see?"  look for a large, large cat.

"Sure!" says Skot.
He snaps his fingers and summons his 2000 lb cat, Holly, up from the stairs. She hisses at everyone present, and threatens to bite everyone's head off.
Skot says: "BOO!" and the cat retreats. Typical.
"Fuckin' pussy," Skot mutters.

>ask Skot to do something about that damned Hillbilly.  Turn off TV.

Skot: "Ah, of course." He snaps his fingers. Holly walks over and eats him. Then the cat disappears.
"Oh, the T.V.! You know, I've been meanin' to do something about that thing. It's gotta go, no two ways."
He snaps, and the T.V., thankfully, disappears off the face of the Earth.
It is now quiet, except for the warble that Shaun is still making, not knowing that Wampler Longacre has been consumed in the fracas.

>kick Sean VERY hard.  Retreat to stairwell.  Giggle, lots.

(You're gonna regret that)
Shaun grasps onto your leg with his green mass, and, very neatly, and without blood, amputates it at the hip.
You hop to the stairwell.
You laugh, inappropriately.

>ask Skot "UH... Help?!"

Skot, barely able to contain himself, giggles "yeah, yeah. Cool!"
"Shaun," he finally manages. "That wasn't very nice!"
Skot snaps, and gives you back your leg while turning Shaun back into an Earthling.
"Dammit, Skot!" he exclaims. "I hate it when you turn me into that thing!"

>say "Shaun- do you ever eat, or piss, or anything besides watch tv?!"

Suddenly realizing that something is missing, he looks around himself frantically.
"Oh, shut up, Shaun," says Skot. "Here, have one." He produces a replica which can only go up to volume 6.
Shaun is momentarily satisfied. But then he rememebers what you said to him, and he says in a "you idiot" tone of voice:
"Well, of course I do."

>ask Shaun: "Well then why don't I ever see you move from that TEEE VEEEEE?!" Poke Shaun again, annoyingly.

He looks away, and says: "Oh, shut up!"
You poke him. "Quit bothering me, you asshole!" he says.

>say to Shaun: "Go ahead! Piss! Eat! Right now, I want to see it!"  Act as if about to poke Shaun, but pull back at last second.  Dance a jig.
Mom, from the table, laughs at him. "What is it, Shaun?"
"Garrett's being a jerk!"
Mom turns to you, and looks at you, directly, head cocked, left palm pressed against the table. "Are you bothering him, Garrett?" she asks, wide smile on her face.

>say "Nope!"  Kick Shaun, very, VERY hard, in the head.  GRIN.

"Now, Garrett!" Mom says. "That wasn't very nice. You guys go down to Skot's room, or something!"
Shaun is visibly holding you in disfavor.

>Stick tongue out at Shaun.  Compliment Mom on status of floor.  Go downstairs!

You put on your best Eddie Haskel ActTM. It goes like this.
You turn to Shaun, and stick your tounge out.
You then turn to Mom.
"Your floor is looking very nice and clean today, Mrs. Johnson! I can even see my reflection in the wood!"
Mom looks back at you and appears very pleased. "Why, thank you, Garrett!" She then lowers her head and gathers the cards on the table, scowling at her unfortunate solitaire game.
You hop down into darkness. Skot, following you flicks the light.


Toys clutter the ground. To the north is Scott's room, to the east, the master bedroom, bathroom and laundry room, to the west, the never-used toy storage room, Shaun's room and the doorway to the apartment where Skot's sister and her husband live.

>listen west, intently.  Ask skot: "Are your older siblings home?"

"Well," he explains. "My sister Shelley and her husband Dave are here, probably hoping that they aren't going to have a child in nine months. My sister Susanne, however, lives in Sunnyvale."

>loudly barge in to the room to the west, swearing and cursing.  Look around, fast.


this room is dark. It is not, relatively speaking, part of the apartment. It LEADS INTO the apartment, though, and you see a light coming from the west. No door. You also hear noises from the west.

>even more loudly barge into the room to the west, swearing and screeching. Look around, very very fast. Yell "Ah HA!" at top of lungs.  Point finger around, randomly, accusatorily.


The room is empty. The T.V. is playing loudly, though. A sitcom. And no one is paying any attention to it. (probably because no one was here before you.)
Skot follows you. He points to a closed door, north.
"That-" and here his expression changes to one of severity, "is the bedroom."

>turn off tv.  Barge into northern room, extremely loudly.  SCREAM " A H  HA!!!" Point finger accusatorily at everything.


Dave looks at you blearily as you point at him.
"Who the hell are you?"
Shelley screams. You point at her.
Skot walks in. "It's just Garrett, guys!" he explains, as you accuse the lamp of fornication.
Shelly breathes a sigh of relief and lays a hand upon her bosom. "My God, I thought you were a burglar, or something."
Dave, looking irritated, rolls over and goes back to sleep.
Shelley suddenly gets a look of genuine puzzlement on her face.
"What are you doing here, anyway?" You point at her.

>Jump repeatedly on the bed, screaming "I didn't do it, Sean did it! He's doing this too!"  Run south.

You jump off the bed just as Dave lunges for you, apparently intending to throw you through the window.
Unfortunately, you hit the doorframe with your head as you try to run through it, and you are knocked unconscious.
You wake up laying next to two very smelly dogs.


You lay between two smelly dogs. They seem to be putting up with you. On a wooden floor. There are two doors, one north, one east, and a stairway, east.

>look dogs.  smell dogs.

The dog to your left is dark brown in color, and is asleep. His eyebrows are twitching alternately. You look at the tag, and it says: Stretch. He smells pretty darn bad.
The other dog, on your right, is light brown in color. She is just asleep. Her tag says: Bo.

>stand up.  mumble at dogs.

You stand, and blood seems to rush to your head, making you dizzy. You mumble at the dogs. Stretch sort of looks up at you and raises an eyebrow, then sets his head back down and goes to sleep. Bo doesn't even move.

>go up stairway.


Whooee, it's dark.
You hear a cat's hiss.

>check to see if eyes are open.  breathe softly, wish for a big stick.

your eyes are decidedly open.
you breathe softly, and wish for a big stick. If only Skot were here.

>feel for a damned lightswitch.  Yell "SKOOOOOOOTT!!!!"

"Let there be light!"
A two-thousand pound cat faces you, trying its best to look threatening while cringing from you. There is a pool table covered with boxes, south.

>look cat.  say "did you know that the distance bewteen a crocodile's eyes in inches is equal to the crocodile's length in feet?"

The cat disappears in a puff of smoke, and Skot appears in front of the pool table, walking in from the east.
"Ah! There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere! When you hit that door, Dave, uh, suggested I do something with you, so I put you in the basement. When I came back ten minutes later, you had disappeared! Well, here you are again. Wanna play some pool?"

>say "actually, I'd like to go to Japan and meet some mindless Japanese Schoolgirl with big, prominent, bouncy breasts and lots of money to boot.  -But sure, pool sounds good too!"

"Well, we can do that in a little bit. After all, it's only 1:15 in the morning." Skot snaps, and he makes the boxes disappear. He chalks up his stick, and racks up the balls. "Would you like to break?" he asks. He throws a stick at you.

>catch stick!  Break 'em. Play like the pro I am.  (snort)

You miss the balls.
Then it bounces off the back cushion, sinking every single striped ball on the table, and giving you a clear shot at the eight ball into the corner pocket. Skot makes a suggestion:
"Hey Garrett! Why don't we play a HAG? You be the computer."

>say "uh..." "Can't we go find the Japanese Babes first?!" grin.

Skot snaps his fingers, and..................


The pool table disappears.  In fact, the whole room disappears and re-appears as Garote's living room.  But wait- there's more!  You have now turned into the Skottster!  Garote appears with a POOF, leaving a dustpile on the carpet, and says: "Wellllll okay, that sounds all right to me!"  He snaps his fingers, and a VERY large coke appears in your hand.  It is followed by a solid-gold footstoop, upon which to prop your feet.

>prop feet. wish for Japanese babe

You prop your feet.  They then fall back to the carpet, since thin air doesn't make a very good foot-prop.  Maybe you should aim for the stool next time, but oh well, so it goes!
You wish for a Japanese Babe, with no effect.  Hmmmm, seems you're not the controller anymore.
Garote gestures, and a full coke glass materializes on the floor next to him.  It is tall enough to shower in, and he takes a big sip from the required five-foot straw before saying: "Well? Go ahead!  Oh, and the footstool there is good for foot-propping!"

>Set feet on stool, aiming for it this time.

You concentrate hard, trying to aim your feet as best you can... Ah! 
There, that's one foot, now... 
Ah!  Hahah!  Both your feet are now on the stool!  Woops! 
Solid gold is not very stable.  The footstool collapses with a loud CLUMPing sound.
"Dang.  Maybe I should've put some lead in there too.  Oh bother! SO IT GOES!!" says Garote, taking another monstrous sip from his monstrous drink.

>eat stool with look of maniacal glee upon face.

Grinning merrily, you take a large bite out of the mass of gold that WAS a passable footstool.  But as you begin to chew, you realize that the fillings in your teeth DO NOT LIKE YOU ANYMORE! Zap!  Zap zap! You are in great pain!!  You spit out the gold wad before it can zap you to insanity.
"Quaint." says Garote.  He gestures, and an extremely small footstool appears next to the couch on the northern wall.  He sits down on the footstool, breaking it into many bits, and props his feet up on the couch.  "aaaah.  Now about that HAG?"

>say: "Well, uh, who's gonna play what?"

Garote looks impatient.  "Well phooie!  Guess I'll host it!"  He thinks for a bit, idly snapping his fingers.  Unfortunately, this has the effect of summoning random items behind him, and with a series of thumps the following objects hit the carpet:  A broken baseball bat, a C-cup bra, seven dead (and thoroughly rotten) dwarves, a TRS-80 Computer, a tanned and cured yak skin, and two rhododendrons.
"Ah!  I have it!" he exclaims.  The pile disappears, leaving a bloody, dirty stain on the carpet behind him.  "You are standing in a pit toilet, and there's no paper, and..." he sips his gargantuan coke.  "The only exits are out the door to the south, and down the pit toilet." He thinks a bit more.  "Oh yeah, and it smells really bad." he says. "I mean, really, REALLY bad." he adds.
You hear a thump from somewhere upstairs.

>skot:"AWwwwwww. I wanna be the host now! PLEEEEEEEEEEEZE?"

Garote sighs.  "Welll, okay, but I thought I was off to a FINE start..."
He sips his coke.
There is another thump, this time from somewhere ON the stairs.

>Say:"Wait, before we begin, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING?"

Garote says: "Oh, I'm sure we'll find out in a minute, won't we?" and sips his drink.  "Now, where were you?"
There is yet another thump, this time near the foot of the stairs.

>say: "You are hanging upside down in a field. Apparently, you have been hung by your feet from an apple tree. If you reached, well, "up", then your hands would meet the ground in about two inches. Uh, yeah. Well, anyway, there's this guy standing over you- he's in his late thirties, is wearing something that looks like George Washington would have worn when he was a kid, and he is aiming a crude gun at you. He says to you: 'Hello. Good Day. Get ye off of my property, 'fore I shoot ye.'"

"Hmmm, quite interesting." mumbles Garote.
"Well, let's see.  George Washington, eh? Hmmm..." as he thinks, there is another thump, and a short, gnarled mass lands at the foot of the stairs.
Garote glances up. "Ah.  Hello, Gnasty!!"
Your drink is getting flat.
Garote says: "Well, I guess I would say 'untie me first, then maybe I can' How's that?"

>say: "The man looks confused for a moment, and then a gleam comes into his eye. 'Aye,' says he. 'That I should do.' He unties you, and then, he says: 'Now, either ye get yer blarney pestilence off of my property, or you work for little or no pay for me for the next five zillion years! Now! Off with ye!'"

"I see." says Garote, sipping his immense coke thoughtfully.  He snaps his fingers and a little stool appears, near the east end of the couch.
The gnarled mass untagles itself and stands up.  Uh oh, Gnasty the Gnome!  With a dignified air, he strolls over to the stool Garote has provided for him, and sits down.
Garote gestures again, and a very small saucer appears at the Gnomes' feet, upon which appears an exremely small cup of bright purple tea.  The Gnome picks this up and takes a quick sip, eyeing you alertly.
"Now where was I, oh yeah..." says Garote, pensive again.  "I guess now I should look and see where the shortest way off the property is.  So: Look!" he says.
"Who're you?" asks the Gnome.

>say to the gnome: "Skot!" say to Garrett: "North is a house, south is a sign that says :"End o' ye olde property!" and east is a large tree. West is the farmer."




Gnasty The Gnome screams in anguish.
"Well, what are you going to do now? You've escaped from a mad farmer, and gone all the way into playing a Hag with me. And now we're just sitting here, having tea."
Indeed, you are sitting in a dining room of some sort. It is very castle-like. Gnasty is at the other other end of this extremely long wooden table, with a cup of tea in his hand. A cup of steaming hot tea is sitting in front of you. Miraculously, you are dressed as you were at the beginning of this game, in a pair of jeans, and plain white t-shirt, with pink bunny slippers on your feet.
"I've got a present for you," says Gnasty.
You wonder what has made the gnome so friendly. Maybe it was the disaster that so recently passed.

>sip tea and contemplate strangling Gnasty

*schllllllepp*  Not a bad idea.
Gnasty holds up a gift wrapped box and slides it to you at the other end of the table. A gift-wrapped box is now laying on the table in front of you, next to your cup of tea.
"Go on, open it," Gnasty smiles.

>open gift, carefully

You rip the wrapping off the box. Inside you find...
The latest issue of Gokuh magazine... And a Talking Zog DollTM!!!!!
"I found it in the desert!" Says Gnasty.

>Push magazine across to Gnasty.  Pull Zog-doll cord

"It's not rape if it's dead" says the doll.
Gnasty inquires as to whether it (the magazine) is too much for you.

>tell Gnasty "I want you to put it on your wall! It's ART!" Yank zog-cord.

"I'm so inspired, I don't want to tell you what I'm thinking!"
Gnasty hangs a poster from Gokuh on his stone wall.

>Take moment while Gnasty is distracted to escape from dining hall!


> You leave the dining hall, and you stand facing a long long long long long hall. One which appears to lead to an exit of some sort. Suits of armor and hung tapestries line the hallway, which is lit by splinters of sunlight through the cracks in the stone. It's pretty damn warm.
(Better Inventory)

* happy happy ending ensues ensues *

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