Message #141,711 from Jimmy Anderson at 12:57 AM, Sunday, 5-19-91
Well, the other day, I was at a band practice with my group when, who should walk in, but my good friends Megadeth, Metallica, Slayer, Ac/Dc, Jimi Hendrix, and The Doors walked in. Not to mention the Who, The Beatles, Elvis presley, The Jackson 5, Ray Charles, Bob marley, and Led Zepplen. also, pink floyd, and Exodus! Needless to say, the small studio was quite crowded. However, you know me, the undismayable Jimmy Anderson, popped on the tape recorder, and recorded the album "shitty live recording in a shitty little studio in the middle of nowhere". Promptly, agents were knocking down my door to buy movie rights to my experience. So, I thought it over, sipped my cold coffee, and said okay to Warner Brothers, who immediatley had me committed once I was in custody, and had everybody chain me to a bench so all the surviving members of the aforementioned groups could sue me for plagarism. So, sitting in my rubber walled room, I jump around to a jazzy beat and the D.J.'s of the world flock around my cell, wanting advice, but not a foot in the door. Eventually I was let out, and I met back up with the other members of my one-man band, and had another practice, in which who else but Creedence Clearwater Revival, Def leppard, and prince showed up. however, nothing big came of it. But then came the BIG BIG BIG jam, in which Nero showed up with his fiddle, Beethoven showed up with his piano tucked under one arm, and the Cow jumped over the moon. but that was only the beginning. Soon, Chopin showed up with his piano, and he and beethoven turned to bitter rivalry as they swung their pianos at each other, while Mozart and bach fenced with their violin bows. I popped on the tape recorder of course, and soon, Paper music publisishing companies barged in, disguised as policemen, and commited everybody on the spot.

Now THAT'S a band practice!

Message #59,547 from George Pervert Fucker Bush at 6:15 PM, Sunday, 2-05-89
No, we had a blast that night getting drunk and trying on our wives' clothes. Then we made crank calls. First we called Ronnie and said, "Mr. President, Mr. President, the Soviet missiles are coming!" It took him a while to remember that he wasn't president anymore. Then we called Fritz Kraemer and got him all excited by pretending to be clones of Hitler. Then we called Moscow Pizza and told them to deliver 50 herring pizzas to Gorby's house! Then we called all of Quayle's old college professors and he said things like, "So you gave me a 'D' in 'U.S. Government 101', eh? Well just for that I'm going to sic 'Accuracy in Academia' on you!". Then we decided to erect a monument of a giant keg in Washington to honor the fraternity men who have helped make our nation #1!

Then we thought we'd have some fun with the BBS users! First we sent the DEA over to Jon's house. Boy, were they stoned when they got back! Then we called some more pizza places and had 50 chocolate pizzas delivered to DSA and 50 ham and pineapple ones to Unbie. We were starting to feel left out, so next we had 100 delivered to ourselves! We sent the Men In Black over to pay affa a visit, but they were abducted by a flying saucer on the way, oh well. We sent Tas Burrfoot an autographed picture of us. We agreed that our pranks were slipping, so then we played Trivial Pursuit for a million dollars a game. It's a lot of fun to play Trivial Pursuit with Quayle because he always loses! Here are some examples of his playing:

Question: Who won the 1989 United States presidential election?
Quayle: Wait ... I need to go call my dad about something.

Question: How many months pregnant was Nancy Reagan when she married Ronnie?
Quayle: How the hell am I supposed to know about things that didn't happen in this century?!?!

Question: What are the two major political parties in the United States?
Quayle: Well, our inagural party cost $40,000,000, and Reagan's last one cost $30,000,000, whereas Carter's was less than $4,000,000!!!

Actually, that was a good answer. And I think I'm having trouble remembering exactly what we did that night after all. I'd better go.

  1. What kind of pizzas did you send yourselves?                       [Filbo]
  2. George!                                                             [affa]
  3. That story could be fairly good, with the exception that I thin [Jimmy An]

Message #152,077 from Enigma at 5:36 PM, Saturday, 7-27-91
First you cram a whole bunch of cows in a truck and drive them cross-country, then any that are still alive at the end of the trip kill them, then hack them into chunks and grind up all the odd bits and gristle, then eat the chunks and fill your arteries with sludge... Yum Yum !

  1. You said it! <smack, smack> Now my saliva glands are getting ov [The SubG]
  2. Yeah, then you pump iron and that sludge somehow turns into bul [The Dark]
  3. Makes me hungry just thinking about it!                            [AndyM]
  4. Yum yuuum....                                      [Variegated Fritillary]
  5. Oh! My bleeding heart!                                      [Black Falcon]
  6. Anybody eaten at Jack in the Box, lately?                     [Ryan Davis]

Message #238,773 from Scott C. Johnson at 12:28 AM, Wednesday, 8-25-93
When you sit all alone in a room for many hours on end, you get pretty good at passing the time. You learn how to fart really, really good. Your aim with rubberbands shows marked improvement as you shoot at flies. And, every now and then, you take a break from watching dust settle to measure your penis. Gives you something to do. You can even measure its growth from year to year.

  1. If I ever compile a book about this BBS, this message will be in [GarrEtt]

Message #196,645 from Zog at 3:01:00 PM, Saturday, 8-08-92
I set my sound control to scream "SPECIAL" when it wants a disk, and it screams when you give it a bad disk. It used to moan in ecstasy when you put a disk in, but I thought that was too profane.

Message #172,623 from Jimmy Anderson at 9:01 PM, Thursday, 1-02-92
If you drive a bus 15 miles down a road to a farm, buy twenty-seven dozens of eggs, pick up 20 kids, drive back 15 miles, and smash all the eggs, if you started out with 3 gallons and drove at 90 miles an hour and it used 1 gallon every hour, then how much gas is left in the truck when you get back?

  1. You don't use any gas if you drive back - the miles cancel each [Black Fa]
  2. Gee, I don't know.  There were three gallons in the bus      [Jon Shemitz]
  3. Are any of the kids smokers?                          [Abiogenic Creation]

Message #198,553 from Snozer at 12:11 AM, Friday, 8-21-92
What happens if one masturbates more than they feel the urge to?

  1. Then that person is having a lot of fun.                        [Hoperift]
  2. Your dick falls off.                                        [Black Falcon]
  3. YOU PROBABLY                                              [Jimmy Anderson]
  4. You get tired and the hard-on is not quite as hard.                  [Zog]
  5. Pretty improbable situation.                                    [Southpaw]

Message #141,767 from Jimmy Anderson at 1:06 PM, Sunday, 5-19-91
For a minute I thought it was going to be the story where that fat guy and his real thin wife decide they're going to kill each other, so the fat guy goes out and buys an air compressor, shoves the tube down his wife's throat, and turns it on full blast. his wife then blows up until she explodes, and guts go everywhere! But, in the meantime, while the man was gone, she set up a huge weight over the stairway so that when he went upstairs to change his clothes the weight would fall down and squash the man flat. Very interesting story, though.

Message #168,900 from Jimmy Anderson at 10:50 PM, Friday, 11-22-91
And don't get her fryin' on acid!! One of the things about acid is that if you're with her, she might suddenly kill you!! You know what I mean. That's the effect of acid.

  1. * Duck and cover, friend.                                       [Southpaw]
  2. One of the effects of oxygen, is that if you're with some girl th [Snozer]
  3. Acid is a class A aphrodisiac.                               [Jon Shemitz]
  4. Sorry, but you're sadly mistaken.  Even with PCP, most people t [Esperant]

Message #243,923 from Scott C. Johnson at 9:59 PM, Thursday, 3-24-94
moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron


moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron moron

Hmmm. Works for me, at least.

Message #105,125 from VoYeur at 2:08:31 PM, Sunday, 6-03-90
Just a text pic for those long nights on XBBS.

                                     ;; o) o) ;:::;;
                                    ,;;  /     ;::;;
                                    ;;;, --' ,;;::;;;
                                    ;;;'''  ;;;;''';;;
                                  ;;, '  ,  ';     ';;
                                 , '  , '        ,  ';
                                ;    ,         ' ;   ';
                    ,'''--,,,  ;*   ,  *    ,'  ;'   ';
                    ||/-,,   ''''--'''-,,,''  ,' '   ,
                      ;    ''-,,,  :          < ,'   ,
                     /:\         ''':          ',  ,'
                    (:::)            ; )     ,,;;,'
                     \:/             ;     ,;''   '
                     /:\           .'';, ,;'       '
                    (:::)        ,'    ';;         '
                     \:/       .'       ,          '
                      ;       ,         ,          '

  1. Cute..
  2. Not bad!

Message #197,779 from Hermit at 8:20:49 AM, Sunday, 8-16-92
Yeah, I guess so... The original premise was that Mario's girlfriend was abducted by Donkey Kong, and had to run all over a construction site to save her. That's why I thought he was a construction worker (and of course in the two-player version, the second player was Luigi).

Message #197,792 from Michael Kirkham at 8:55:05 AM, Sunday, 8-16-92
But then they became plumbers in Mario/Super Mario Bro's.

Message #197,829 from Zog at 2:51:41 PM, Sunday, 8-16-92
Actually, they became plumbers in "Mario Bros.", the (boring) nintendo/apple II game.
Heck, why must they be plumbers? Why not gynecologists?

Message #197,851 from Hoperift at 4:39:20 PM, Sunday, 8-16-92
Or computer geeks.

Message #197,855 from Michael Kirkham at 5:55:09 PM, Sunday, 8-16-92
Why not proctologists?

Message #197,878 from Ace at 7:35:52 PM, Sunday, 8-16-92
Oh boy! A word I know! Fujinkai! Doctor of female science!

Message #197,895 from Zog at 8:49:20 PM, Sunday, 8-16-92
Hey, neat! Super Fujinkai Trolls! }]

Message #197,927 from Southpaw at 1:33:27 AM, Monday, 8-17-92
And the game's plot then?

Message #197,942 from Zog at 2:19:48 PM, Monday, 8-17-92
Save the princess of course...
All computer games focus on one of three objects: "Save the prince(ss), Save the universe, obtain mighty object."

Message #197,960 from Ace at 3:49:49 PM, Monday, 8-17-92
what! are you insane? no! it's KILL EVERYTHING! thats the plot!

Message #238,516 from Scott C. Johnson at 8:04 PM, Saturday, 8-21-93
I popped open a soda one fine Monday morning in the middle of July, and poured it over my cereal. (We were out of milk). I strolled back to the fridge, and put the half-empty can back in, between the tomatoes and the sandwich meats.

I then walked to the couch in front of the T.V., with my bowl of Wheat Chex and root beer. The remote control was in my hand, and, settling into the cushions, I felt that I was ready for all possibilities. I had the VCR set up with a tape, and the TV was set to channel 3. Time for a movie.

And then, I performed the most fateful action of my entire life. I hit the play button. A black, featureless screen replaced the fuzzy "snow" that was there only moments before. Without warning, an orchestral version of "Three Blind Mice" surrounded my body and head, threatening to crush me with its power and might. Then, as suddenly as it had begun, it ended, and I saw a black and white movie on the screen.

It showed three men driving a truck of some sort. A man with frizzy hair all around (but not on top of) his head was driving, and intermittently yelling, "Fish! Fish!" like the other two men. The man in the center had short black hair, cut straight all around his head, so that all of his hair was the length of his bangs. The third man, on the far left, was fat, bald, and he made funny faces and blew a horn while he yelled "Fish! Fish!"

I was dumbstruck for a few moments when suddenly I realized! No! NO! Not the Three Stooges! Anything but The Three Stooges! I tried to get up and run, but I could not move! A vile, stinking net of bad puns had tied me to the couch, and an awful putty of sight gags had set my eyes in the direction of the TV. It looked like old Moe, Larry and Curly had gotten me this time. I was going to be made to endure this.

I saw an opening as the first clip ended and I intended to rush out of the room while the screen was still black. But Moe came back on the screen, and my eyes involuntarily went back to him.

"What d'you think you're doin'?" he inquired with extreme irritation in his voice. "Siddown! You got watchin' t'do!"

Crestfallen, I flopped back down on the couch, and the next clip came on. I had to find a way out of this torture!

Then, something happened which made me wake up every Monday afterwards and praise PG & E. The power went out. The net was lifted, and the putty of sight gags dissolved. Even the cloying stench which I haven't mentioned yet and will never mention again left the room.

Now, many weeks later, looking back on that traumatic experience, I am glad that things turned out the way they did. In the succeeding weeks I became very literate, reading over 6900 books, just to catch up. I began writing, and I wrote ten novels. And for a day or two, I was very interested in music, and wrote 900 songs and sonatas and symphonies and all that. I joined a band, left a band, joined three more, left all but one, joined a jazz band and got fired. Then I thought, well, maybe I should try the Three Stooges again.

Friends and neighbors, that was the second most fateful decision of my life. I hit play, and again was subjected to the horrors that I was before. Only this time, the power didn't go out, and I was thrown into a Stooges-induced stupor.

"Do you think he's gonna make it, doctor?"

"Well, he's been unconscious for several hours, but I think when he wakes up he'll be fine."

When the doctor said that, Scott C. Johnson woke up, and stirred on the table.

"He's waking, doctor! Look!"

"Where am I?" Scott inquired groggily.

"You're in a doctor's office, dear. You hit your head on the table while you were screaming "NYUK NYUK NYUK NYUK!!!!".

"Wow. You know, I had the strangest dream. I dreamt that the Three Stooges held me prisoner, and forced me to write stories and books, and a lot of music. And then do you know what happened? They let me go, and they wouldn't let me take all the stuff I created with me. It was pretty trippy."

"Well, Scott, let's go home."



Well, after I woke up, I saw that I was still Scott C. Johnson, and free from Stooge tyranny. I had still not written ten novels, and in fact was struggling on my first long story and writing poetry in the meantime. I was not writing a great deal of music, and still in the same old band. Oh well. I have time.

At least I didn't dream that I was constantly surrounded my ten beautiful, Scott C. Johnson worshipping women. >That< I would have missed.

Scott C. Johnson

Message #219,540 from Vindictus at 6:13:12 PM, Friday, 2-12-93
How old were you when all this happened?

Message #219,550 from The Elven Lord at 7:30:53 PM, Friday, 2-12-93

Message #219,557 from Enigma at 8:52:06 PM, Friday, 2-12-93
How old are you now?

Message #219,569 from Shabanu, Queen of Summer Stars at 1:45:17 AM, Saturday, 2-13-93
His user Desc. Sais he is 18, Could have found tat out if you looked... Or was this queston meant to be sarcastic?

Message #219,990 from Shaft at 10:19:34 AM, Tuesday, 2-16-93
No I don't think that I could find tat out.

Message #220,188 from Apache Rose Peacock at 9:51:29 PM, Tuesday, 2-16-93
Well, depending on where it is on the body, you'd probably eventually find it hanging out sometime. Mine comes out when it's hot.

Message #220,301 from Overman at 4:05:28 AM, Wednesday, 2-17-93

Message #220,421 from Thane at 6:18:45 PM, Friday, 2-19-93
Yeah, like Rat a tat tat!

Message #149,232 from Jimmy Anderson at 12:25 AM, Sunday, 7-14-91




  1. A> it doesn't need one, but it's nice if it does.                [Garrett]
  2. Maybe you have an attitude about the term, "meaning", that I am n [Ben Wa]
  3. babes, man, babes                                         [Master higgins]

Message #165,208 from Garrett at 8:10:58 PM, Tuesday, 10-29-91
Heh! I wonder what the Japanese porno movies are like, then. Are they really into bestiality over there? Or perhaps food? Tell me a story about Japan, uncle Ace! Please?? Awww, come on? Just one little tidbit?

  2. Yes...I've heard that over 50% of Japanese porno movies feature [Southpaw]

Message #165,238 from Ace at 8:24:50 PM, Tuesday, 10-29-91
Once upon a time...

Message #165,342 from The Keeper of The Pen at 1:18:16 PM, Wednesday, 10-30-91
there was a Samurai named...

Message #165,359 from Ace at 8:20:52 PM, Wednesday, 10-30-91
Takashi Yamamoto. His favorite thing to eat was...

Message #165,375 from Garrett at 8:43:00 PM, Wednesday, 10-30-91
Prunes stewed in the blood squeezed from chunks of granite. But this food was very rare, mainly the stewed prunes, so he didn't eat often. Wonderful metabolism helped. He also had a dog, name of...

Message #165,378 from Ace at 8:46:30 PM, Wednesday, 10-30-91
(Edited by author at 5:56:39 PM, Tuesday, 11-05-91)
Kimi. (You.) The dog was rather stupid, so whenever it saw another dog, it...

  2. Grrrrrrr!   :)                                                   [Garrett]

Message #165,719 from Garrett at 9:23:53 AM, Friday, 11-01-91
...Ran up and pretended the other dog was a fireplug. But that's of no consequence, dogs do that often. So one day it happened that a certain old man came walking down the street towards them....

Message #165,772 from The Keeper of The Pen at 5:29:56 PM, Friday, 11-01-91
(Edited by author at 10:39:25 PM, Sunday, 11-03-91)
It was the wise man who taught Takashi everything he knows. Takashi bowed before the old man, who didn't have to bow, since he was so old he was stuck in a permanent bow. "Sensei! (Learned one!) Hisashiburi (It has been a long time since last we met)," Takashi said. "O-genki-desu-ka? ({honorific} Are you well?)"
The old man replied ...

Message #165,774 from Ace at 6:07:24 PM, Friday, 11-01-91
(Edited by author at 5:56:01 PM, Tuesday, 11-05-91)
"Mm. Itsu mo genki da, Yamamoto. Doko e itte iru ka?" (Mm. I'm always well, Yamamoto. Where are you going?) Takashi replied with...

Message #165,782 from The Keeper of The Pen at 6:58:35 PM, Friday, 11-01-91
(Edited by author at 11:14:54 PM, Sunday, 11-03-91)
...anger at the old man's rude nosiness. "Anata-no wakai omagosan-o fujoboukou -shimasu-yo! ({polite, but exclaimed} To rape your young granddaughter)" he shouted sarcastically. Laughing with insane rage, Takashi withdrew his sword, and ...

  1. * Deleted message *
  3. Hee hee hee!  This looks pretty funny with the * Deleted message [Garrett]

Message #166,350 from Ace at 5:30:18 PM, Monday, 11-04-91
(Edited by author at 5:58:11 PM, Tuesday, 11-05-91)
was promptly impaled by the old man. "Agh! K... k'soo..." (Agh! Sh... shit!) Takashi slumped to the ground, dead. The old man put his foot on Takashi's chest, and yanked his sword free. He wiped it clean, and walked off into the sunset.
The moral of the story is:

Message #166,667 from Garrett at 7:45:08 PM, Wednesday, 11-06-91
Watch where you're going- the sun is awful hot.


Message #184,699 from GarreTT at 11:19:19 PM, Monday, 4-20-92
Time keeps going. At any one given instant, certain things exist, and certain things don't. The bullet is here at point A now, in a second it will be imbedded in point B. You can't really use time as a measurement because there are only two ways to "have" time... To exist at a given point, and to not exist at a given point. If you think of time as a long line, with things existing at specific locations for certain "lengths" or "measurements" of time, well, our universe seems to be all active, and things keep moving away from their starting locations. So, the only length of time that something can exist in a certain spot is an infinitely small amount of time. Example: Right NOW, the ball is resting on point A. Woops, it moved. Let's go into super slo-mo: There is the ball and- woops, it moved. As a matter of fact, the ball was never even standing still in the first place. The earth is rotating! Darn- now nothing on the earth can stay in the same place for more than an infinitely small amount of time. This apparently means that time goes rather fast. But: How to get around this? It seems to me that nothing can be on a defined "point" as long as it is three dimensional. I.e., as long it exists. But things can be in the same place in relation to each other! So we can equate time with speed: If the ball rolls away from point A and point B at a certain speed, it is changing it's location from one spot in time to the next at a certain rate. We already have a name for this: the ball is going 10mph. Now, a mile is a unit of measurement in the first three dimensions that we have plotted as exactly a certain distance. The same with an hour. Of course, nothing really happens at any set "speed" at all, only "the ball is going twice as fast as the rocket" and "the moon is going half the speed of the sprocket". Things move in relation to each other. Now, we perceive time in our heads by the speed at which reactions occur: The mechanical ticking of the clock is one second long. To us that SEEMS like a short amount of time, but to other things it may not, for example, an ant may think twenty seconds have passed. Why? It "thinks", "processes", and "reacts", etc., chemically faster than we do. We compare every amout of time to the rate at which we can perceive it: The relationship between a bird's flight and how quickly the images of the bird's movement can be detected by the eye, sent to the brain, and processed, gives us the relative speed of the bird. We just give it a name: "ninety miles per- hour" (another relation: The distance equaling a mile related to the instant we perceive as an hour.) It leads me to think that the greatest invention of mankind is measurment, the foundation of all our mathmatics. "Given a right triangle with a radius of 3..." And now we have begun to think back in relationships with things. "2x equals 4y plus 9z". Getting definite answers gets harder as you get deeper into relationships with things. On one end: "1+1=2". One is always 1, Two is always 2, and that problem always means "1+1=2". Whereas on the other end we get "a+a=b". Now how do we deal with this? We say "2a=1b" and then "2=1". Yaaay! Well, pardon my blabbering.

Your whim, m'lord?Go away

Do you really want to go now?  [Type Y, N, or press ? for help] Yes

Bye, GarreTT, thanks for calling!

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