Garote's Favorite Humorous Lists

Practical Jokes for Dorm Livers:

  1. Buy about 10 glad bags full of those styrofoam peanuts. "Borrow" someone's car keys when they aren't looking, and bring 3 or 4 strong people with you. Close all the windows and lock all the doors except the drivers side. Have as many people as you need tip the car and hold it so it doesn't fall while you fill the car with those peanuts through the open driver's door. Close the door, gently put the car down, and quietly put the car keys back. Act none the wiser when your friend throws a shit fit when he/she finds their car full of styrofoam. You can rest assured that all the peanuts will never come out of the car. Try not to laugh the next time you are in the car and peanuts come rolling out from under the seat.
  2. Tape long strips of Saran Wrap accross the victim's door, making sure not to leave any wrinkles. Be careful to leave the bottom part of the door uncovered to avoid the suction effect. I need not explain what happens to a person accidentally walking into an invisible wall. For best results, try it the morning after a really alcohol-laden night.
  3. Take some ordinary speaker wire and put some alligator clips on each end. If you don't know enough about cars you may need some help with this, but then crawl under someone's car and wire the brakelights to the horn. Every time he/she steps on the brakes, they'll look around and say, "Who is that honking?" He kept getting these angry looks, and finally we cracked up and spoiled the joke.
  4. Pour flour into someone's blowdryer...not too much, just about one tablespoon full. They get out of the shower, with hair all wet and...POOF...they become Beetlejuice.
  5. Take a concrete block, about 20 lbs., pack it up in a cardboard box using plenty of nylon packing tape and mail it to someone you know has to walk a good distance to get their mail. Take care to use their parents address as the return address, insure the package for $1,000 and put $.50 postage on it. The mark will get to the post office, find a heavy package that he can't open, but figures it's worth a lot because it's from mom and dad and is insured for $1,000. Carries it all the way back to where he/she lives before finding out what the package held.
  6. Take a bowling ball, grease it up real good with vaseline, including the holes, and place it holes down in a toilet. Makes for a real good couples activity.
  7. Wet down all of someone's underwear and freeze it into one big lump.
  8. Take an onion, cut it up, then throw it into the dryer. Hooooooeeeeee!
  9. Get a balloon and put some crushed dry ice in it and tie off the end. If you know what someone is going to wear that day, stuff the balloon in his back pocket before he puts it on. As the dry ice evaporates, slowly it will inflate the balloon, and the victim's butt will transform into interesting shapes without them noticing. Once they do notice, which is when they are sitting down in class, the balloon is too large to take out without making a stir.
  10. Take a large garbage can into an elevator and fill it with whatever you care to add (soap with chicken livers, hearts, etc., I'm told works well). The said can is tipped forward when the doors close, so when the next person to use the elevator opens the door...

Things to do on a final exam that you know you will fail anyway:

  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
  2. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
  3. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
  4. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
  5. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
  6. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
  7. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam. (Worse yet, do this on another campus.)
  8. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
  9. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
  10. Start the exam. After about 20 minutes, stand up, hurl the papers to the floor, and shout "Fuck this shit!" Walk out, triumphantly.

Ways to confuse, worry, or scare the people in the computer labs

  1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
  2. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
  3. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
  4. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
  5. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
  6. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. "Fools! I'll destroy them all!"
  7. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
  8. Make a document that prints the word ERROR horizontally on the page in the largest possible font. Send two or three copies of this to the network printers every ten minutes or so.
  9. Sit down at a mac, after eating a big greasy slice of pizza. Poke repeatedly at the icons on the screen. COVER your station monitor with fingerprints. Complain that the touch-screen doesn't work.
  10. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

Ways to drive an unsophisticated roommate into the twilight zone

  1. Attach post-it notes with your name to everything in the room that is yours, including the half-finished soda on the table, the bell peppers in the fridge, the clothes in the closet, and other post-it notes. Gave an extremely suspicious look when your roommate touches anything.
  2. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
  3. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
  4. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner...." or "Oh yeah...."
  5. Dry your socks on the floor lamp
  6. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
  7. Hang a salt lick from the ceiling, so that you can enjoy it during homework sessions.
  8. Spend a couple days playing incessantly with an old rubik's cube. When the time is right, fall to your knees and scream, yank a hammer out, and smash the infernal toy to powder on the carpet. If the cube is really old, you can just throw it against a wall and it will shatter into a zillion bits. Vacuum it up, whistling merrily. Repeat the performance every couple days with another rubik's cube.
  9. If you've got a computer, cover your desk with it, spraypaint it black, and carve a clever name like "Coredump", "HAL", or "UniBlab" into the case with a soldering iron. Put a framed ASCII rendering of Steve Wozniak next to the monitor, pry a couple keys off the keyboard, and pack the corners with jolt cola cans, ramen noodles, and ding-dong wrappers. Never use it. When your roommate inquires, grumble bitterly that you can't figure out how to turn the damn thing on.

Undocumented Microsoft Windows Error-Codes:

  1. WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
  2. WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
  3. WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
  4. WinErr: 015 Multitasking attempted - System confused
  5. WinErr: 02B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
  6. WinErr: 02E Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
  7. WinErr: 080 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
  8. WinErr: 078 System unstable - CPU is too fast
  9. WinErr: 093 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
  10. WinErr: 0A0 Problem shutting down - It is recommended that you close all programs, shut down Windows, and reboot your system to prevent further damage
  11. WinErr: 12A Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB

Ways to be a nuisance while ordering a pizza:

  1. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
  2. Stutter on the letter "p."
  3. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
  4. Work in these bonus words: EPIC, DISTENDED, BIPLOAR, CHUCKLE, PUCE.
  5. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
  6. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost", "Bridagoon!!", "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
  7. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
  8. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
  9. Order a one-inch pizza.
  10. Order with a Speak-n-Spell or Say-it-Sam where applicable.

Top Ten Things Not To Say To Parents When Picking Up A Date

  1. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
  2. "Show me how you used to spank her."
  3. "Hi, I'm Hoopla69."
  4. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
  5. "I just got my license today."
  6. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
  7. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
  8. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
  9. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
  10. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"

MURPHY'S SEX LAWS

  1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
  2. Nothing improves with age.
  3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
  4. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
  5. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
  6. Virginity can be cured.
  7. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
  8. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
  9. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
  10. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
  11. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
  12. If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
  13. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
  14. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
  15. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Things to do in an Elevator:

  1. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  4. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  5. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
  6. Meow occassionally.
  7. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
  8. Leave a box between the doors.
  9. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
  10. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  11. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
  12. Bring a chair along.
  13. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
  14. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
  15. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Things To Do During A Download:

  1. Buff your mouse pad
  2. Make a list of other things to download
  3. Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem
  4. Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don't overdo!)
  5. Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter
  6. Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one
  7. Read every classified listing for "Programmers"
  8. Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection
  9. Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs
  10. Cut your fingernails
  11. De-kid proof the butane lighter
  12. Solitaire

Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's:

  1. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
  2. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
  3. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
  4. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
  5. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
  6. You keep trying to open your front door with the key to the office.
  7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
  8. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
  9. Anything under an hour each way is not a "real" commute.
  10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...

  1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
  2. You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
  3. The Sun is too loud.
  4. Trees begin chasing you.
  5. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
  6. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
  7. You can hear mimes.
  8. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
  9. Things become "Very Clear".
  10. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
  11. Your heart beats in 7/8 time.
  12. You and Reality file for divorce.
  13. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
  14. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
  15. You can travel without moving.
  16. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
  17. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
  18. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
  19. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

Favorite Steven Wright Quotes:

  1. I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
  2. I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
  3. My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
  4. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
  5. Sponges grow in the ocean ... that kills me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.
  6. My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes.
  7. I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.
  8. You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
  9. Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
  10. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

From ribarbe@garlic.com on the newsgroups:

Dont despair. The pain of seperation sucks. Ease the pain! Follow the PLAN:

  1. Alcohol
  2. Sex-mania craze
  3. SUICIDE
  4. Develope BIZZARE personality trait
  5. Drop out (Turn on, tune in), or Quit the RAT RACE
  6. Commit CRIME! esp: PYROMANIA, SERIAL ARSON, ARSON, ILLEGAL FIREWORKS, etc.
  7. Crimes of general MAYHEM, disorder, -murder-.
  8. Self-mutilation (develope undifferentiated schizotypal organic disorder)
  9. Speak in TOUNGES to co-workers, class-mates.
  10. And eher you could pray mercy to goodness or help with your hokey or mehokeypoo, Gallus's hen has collared her pullets. That's where they have owreglias for. [...] Upploud! The play thou schouwburgst, Game, here endeth.

If anyone knows whom I should credit for these various lists, please drop me a note, and I'll link in the proper acknowledgements...

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