A brief episode taken from the ongoing saga of
Life at Peter's House
Any day of the week at Peters:
(James Vergon, John Lau, John Bourne, Hod, and Peter are playing hearts in the front room)
John Lau: "Fuck you, Peter, I fuckin' hate you."
Peter: (laughs)
John Lau: "Peter, you fuckin' suck, I can't believe
that."
Peter: "Come on, John, you don't like your hand?"
John Lau: "I have the shittiest hand!"
Peter: "HA HA HA- REVENGE!!! Fwesh fwied wice! Fwesh fwied
wice!"
John Lau: "Fuck you, Peter, I got your rice right
here!" (holds crotch) "YA!!"
John Bourne: "Yo bro ... are you 'fucking' playing or what?"
Peter: "That's right. Johnny's dick is the size of a grain
of rice." (laughs) "Johnny you're so stupid..."
Hod: "Peter, open the door for Tugger! ... Hi Tugger..."
Tugger: "HISSS!"
Peter: "Fuck you, you worthless piece of shit!"
Tugger: "HISSS!!"
John Lau: "Tugger wants to suck your dick, Peter! YA!!"
Tugger: "HISSSSS!!"
Peter: "God dammit Johnny, you fucking asshole, you're sooo
stupid!"
Hod: (looking in the paper) "Jesus Christ! A case of Rainair is like four
bucks!"
Peter: "Oh my God!" (laughs)
John Lau: "Make me a corn dog, Peter. I did the dishes."
Peter: "No!"
Hod: "Jesus Christ, go make it yourself!"
John Lau: "Fuck all of you!"
Tugger: "HISSSS!!!"
(Phone rings.)
Peter: "Hello, yeah hang on. Bourne, it's Bethanne."
John Bourne: "Ya ... you did? ... are you stressed out? ...
can I call you back? ... yeah, I'm 'BUSY!' Ok ... Ok ...
Ya ... Ok." (click)
James: "Muff Dive, Pinky*, YA!!!"
John Bourne: "That's great, Vergon."
Tugger: "HISSS"
John Bourne: "Fuck you, Tugger!"
James: "I'm going to kick your fuzzy little ass Tugger..."
Hod: "No you're not; leave Tugger alone!"
John Lau: "Somebody make me a corn dog!"
Everyone: "NO!"
Peter: "Johnny, get off your butt and go make it yourself!"
John Lau: (Mumbles something incomprehensible)
James: "Pizza soda, eh Lau?"
John Lau: "Fuck you, Vergon; go call Nicole; go muff dive
Nicole! YA!!!" (laughs)
Peter: (laughs) "When was the last time you masturbated,
Vergon?"
John Lau: "Last time Bethanne was here, right Vergon? YA!!!"
James: "Yeah, ok Lau; I got your corn dog right here!"
(holds crotch)
Tugger: "HISSS!"
John Bourne: "Get the fuck out of here, Tugger!" (kicks
Tugger in the butt)
Tugger: "HISSS!!!" (runs out of room)
(Phone rings)
Peter: "Hello? Hey Weez. Yeah?" (Peter laughs) "UH
HUH, you're right Weez, I'm so drunk... Yep, you guessed
it," (Peter laughs) "Vergon's here, I must be
drunk. ... UH HUH ... 'Oh My God' ..." (laughs) "That's
not true at all ... O.k. ... Ya .. Bye Weez." (click) (Peter
laughs) "Oh My God."
John Lau: (with his head in the fridge) "Who ate my steak? That fucking sucks..."
John Bourne: "No one ate your 'fucking' steak! Look in the
back of the freezer, Retardo!"
John Lau: "Fuck you; everyone eats my steak and leaves everything
else..." (mumbles)
James: "John, the ONLY thing else in that fridge are corn
dogs. I thought that's what you wanted anyway."
John Lau: "Ya, that was then; now I want my steak!"
Peter: " 'Oh My God', John, you're sooo fucking stupid, your
steak's right here."
John Lau: "Who put it way back here?!"
Hod: (from the other room) "YOUR MOM!"
John Lau: "Fuck you, Hod; I'll give your mom some
steak! YA!!!" (laughs)
John Bourne: (calling from living room) "Peter, hearts!!"
Peter: "Be right there. Where's my calculator?!"
John Bourne: "It's in here, BRO..."
Peter: "Hey John, you know what I did? I spent last night
putting all those phone numbers into my calculator, aren't you
proud of me?" (laughs)
Hains: "That's the best!"
John Bourne: "Johnny, HEARTS!!"
Hains: "I really feel like getting drunk tonight. I've been
drinking every night since New Years!"
Hod: "Hey Vergon, you want to take a trip to the store??"
[vergon = 21]
James: "Not really; ya going to get me something?"
Hod: (laughs) "NO..."
James: "O.k., I'll go."
Hains: "That's the best! Get a case of Papts of Weidamens."
Hod: "Come with us, John."
Bourne: "John's staying right here and playing 'fucking'
hearts, and so is Peter. Peter, get in here; hearts!!"
Peter: (yells from Food Haven) "I know! Hold on!" (Peter
makes a pie in two seconds flat) "AAHHHHHHHHH, PIE..."
(laughs)
James: "What kind of pie is that, Peter?"
Peter: "It's MY PIE!! HA HA HA, MY BIG PIE!
It's aaall mine!!!" (Flips out)
Hod: "Jesus Christ; Peter lost it!"
Peter: "MMMM, PIE!!" (flips a coin into the air) (it
lands tails) "HA HA HAA, Johnny gets to clean the whole
house!! BWAHAHAHAAA!!"
John Lau: "Fuck you, Peter..."
(time passes)
Peter: "Who left this plate in here?"
James: "Not me ... ask Lau ... like you need to."
Peter: (goes into the back yard. Zack Von Joo, Devon, Dillon,
Hod, and Deaven are smoking.)
Peter: "Did anyone leave a dish in the living room?"
Everyone: (looks at each other) "Nope" "Not me"
"What, dude?" "I don't remember..."
Peter: "Fuck all of you! I'm sick of cleaning
up after everyone!!" (Peter climbs onto the roof of the
house, where he dumps a huge vat of burning oil on the masses
in the back yard.) "GET OUT!! All of you, just leave!!"
(Everyone runs screaming in all directions)
Peter: "That's it!!" (Peter goes inside; pulls
out a book from the bookcase. The case spins around to reveal
the Holy Keys to the Front and Back Door.)
Hod: " 'Jesus Christ', not the KEYS?!"
Peter: "YES! It's TIME! Now GET OUT!!!"
(to be continued...)
*Pinky: Common word for muff.