"The Happy Spot Opera"

• Don Prego Manicotti, Tenor.
  • The dashing goddamn male lead. Impeccable hair, loud voice, sometimes moves like Ace Ventura.

• Sanriolena, Soprano.
  • The mysterious, passive lead female waif. (These two are in 976-LOVE.)

• Duke Pompouso Of Gallabutt, Bass.
  • The cold-hearted male character, related to one or both of the above, who gives in to their irrational lovey-dovey pleas somewhere in the middle of the opera, just before the plot spirals out of control and everyone kills themselves.
  • Don Prego's fencing partner and partner-in-crime, he is first skeptical and then jealous of Prego's budding love with Sanriolena. Later gives in and helps his friend, after hiding in a bush and watching them fawn over each other, only to leap out, point at them and declare, "WOW! YOU TWO REALLY >ARE< SERIOUS!", laugh heartily, and be chased off by Prego. Pulls around a little toy dog on a string, which he employs to secretly transport love notes between Prego and Sanrio. Dressed like a rich enlightenment-age aristocrat, with poofy arms and neon stockings.

• Lady Platypeina, Mezzo.
  • She is Sanriolena's servant, though she's about four times Sanriolena's age. Hmm.

• Jockappo, Baritone.
  • The boring, stolid male character. He has an official position (probably captain of the guards or something) but the government never, ever comes into the plot.
  • He has a really tall, cylindrical black hat strapped on his head, under which he keeps his one and only weakness: Twinkies. Got to have it knocked off in a battle, shaming him and driving him out of his government position.

• Wario, Bass.
  • He is E-VIL. He is courting one of the above characters, but ends up fighting Jockappo and being stabbed, then singing about it for twenty minutes before he finally collapses. Yellow shirt and blue overalls, big clunky shoes. Ridiculous cardboard jagged moustache. Walks like a scooby-doo character.

• The Prisoner:
  • Unjustly jailed in a cell that Jockappo guards, he later turns out to be Lady Platypeina's husband, AND DON PREGO'S FATHER.
  • The Lady Platypeina had to have him jailed so that he wouldn't spoil her plans to get Sanriolena's fortune married into the family. The Prisoner doesn't want this to happen because he knows some terrible secret about Sanriolena's family, and he hires Wario to kill his ex, the Lady Platypeina, thusly sparing his son from a bad marriage. Unfortunately for him, Don Prego and Sanriolena really are in love, and the murder of the Lady only strengthens their resolve.
  • What's worse, the Lady's dying scream summons Jockappo the guard, who manages to slay Wario! (see above)
  • The Prisoner's part isn't an easy one, since he has to say all his lines through the duct-tape gag that they put on him when they threw him in jail.

• Foofina, Alto. The nun, the nun!
  • Acts like a hard-boiled PI in a habit some of the time, with a voice-over a-la Bladerunner on occasion. Is investigating the secret in Sanriolena's family. Every once in a whole she goes completely ballistic and wacko, leading in to the more surreal song-and-dance numbers.

• Glampenfomp, High Soprano.
  • She's in the opera for one scene, and delivers a piece of paper to Lady Platypeina, sings about it for two hours, and then leaves, never to be seen again.

• God:
  • Got to have him as a character. Pompous, overbearing, and indecipherable.
  • Long white beard and robes, with mickey-mouse ears. Spits all his lines through teeth gritted around a black pipe. Probably gets a stick or a staff of some sort so he can swing it around and look like he's in charge. Has to incur the signature line: "Oh god!-- It's God!" from every single person he addresses.

• God's Assistant:
  • A bored-looking secratary dressed like Towa-Tei, whose job, among other things, is to hold a sign reading "GOD" with an arrow on it pointing at God so other people get the picture. Name's Hecubus or something. Gets a soliquoly about how hard it is to be a secretary of God, right at the beginning of the play.

Story Synopsis:

• I think a good opera would actually start with God. God and Towa Tei as his servant. Then he creates the people who are going to star in the opera. Maybe it's neo-creational, and instead of Adam and Eve, you get a whole host of wackos.

• Some people come on stage and dance and stuff. They sing senseless shit like,
• "When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, on 42nd street, into the woods, out of the woods, because we are the angels of music. You gotta be sincere, Bobby, Booby, Bobby baby Bobby booby, Bobby come home for dinner, just be the three of us. I'm gonna wash Evita right out of my hair, and by the way, it's not spaghetti, it's linguini."
• This erupts into a drunken festival. A dancing dwarf runs in playing the accordian, and everyone begins dancing around the Sugarplum Fairy. However, everyone keeps drinking and they all get so shitfaced that they end up whipping out guns and shooting each other in a hideous bloodbath. The only survivors of this mad festival of inevitable hedonism are Sanriolena, her faithful servant Lady Platypeina, and a statue that suddenly comes to life and invites itself home to dinner. Lady Platypeina accepts the invitation.
• They leave. Sanriolena leaves. The corpses re-animate themselves and sing a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started blah blah blah blah aboard this tiny ship. Then they die again.
• Then they are resurrected. Then they sing some more and die, again. Then God appears and screams, "Oh, my headache! Feels like there's a rat in my brain." He leaves. The corpses rot, and flies gather. They sing a song and dance and stuff.

• Nun Foofina arrives at the New Age Buddhist Retreat Center, looking for Sanriolena. She spies Sanriolena with the Don, lovingly smashing wine bottles over each other's heads.
• They sing about how their love is star-crossed, since he is a servant girl, and she is a stunning member of royalty. Also, she is a Moor, and he is a Hittite. Also, he a Catholic, and she is a Unitarian. Also, she is a Republican, and he is a Feudalist. Also, she is a Raiders fan, and he is an Apple IIgs snob. (Lots of potential conflict, see?)
• Foofina suddenly bursts onto stage, totally spoiling the mood, and she proceeds to do a neat trick with liquid EZ-cheeze and some diet pills.

• Everyone is killed off at the end of the opera when God decides he's sick of them, and then Adam and Eve are created and God tells the angels to "scratch all the notes you've taken so far, it's all bullshit, we're starting over."
• Releasing his pent up frustration and disgust, Towa Tei bludgeons God to death with his sign. Adam and Eve go 'eek!' and sprint off the stage and into the audience.
• The angels stand around dumbfounded for a second, then start shouting with joy. Towa Tei goes around collecting high-fives, but falls off stage and impales himself on a lighting fixture.

Music/Lyrics:

This! lousy play's
been ta - ken too far,
I've had quite enough!

Scratch! all the notes
you've ta - ken so far,
you pudgy fat fucks!

It's all bull-shit
yes sir
god sir
You must kill it
yes sir
now sir

Die!
You worthless sack of crap!
Die!
You're never coming back!

Kill all the extras,
Burn all the props,
Scratch the whole thing!
Angels, get your mops!

HA - HA - HA!

Yes sir, yes sir

HA - HA - HA - HA!

Yes sir, yes sir

So God makes mistakes!
No one ever finds out!
Send 'em all to hell-
Let Satan sort 'em out!

So I screwed up!
But who's around to know?
Send 'em all to hell!

On with the show!

On with the show!
On with the show!
On with the show!